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An Open Letter to Weird Al 

Dear Alfred “Weird Al” Yankovic,You are playing at the Deschutes County Fair this weekend.

Dear Alfred "Weird Al" Yankovic,

You are playing at the Deschutes County Fair this weekend. I saw this on your website - you know, the one with all the bright colors and wacky photos of you confusedly looking at the camera as if to say, "Hey, what's goin' on here?" Speaking of photos, remember when you had a moustache, glasses and looked like a guy who owned a windowless van? I liked those photos more than I like the updated ones in which you look more like the inordinately tall woman who taught me piano lessons.

Anyway, thanks for making our fair one of the many fairs at which you're playing family friendly music and/or making people laugh. You've made me laugh over the years and I thought "Smells Like Nirvana" was really cool when I was in fourth grade and hadn't started listening to actual Nirvana music yet. When I heard the real song a year later, it sure sounded depressing. That Kurt Cobain was not funny at all. Also, how about UHF, that was a crazy movie, man. By the way, where can I get a VHS copy of that?

So, I thought I would write you to ask a quick favor. Do you - oh wait, I meant to also tell you that I watched your VH1 Behind the Music and it made me realize that you're a pretty smart guy. Also, do they still make that show, because if they do, I want to see one about Kid N' Play, mainly so I can learn how to craft that hairstyle. OK, but back to my favor. I don't know how you go about writing your songs, but do you think you could at least consider some of my hilarious creations for your next album? As you can tell, it's all golden material. Well, I only wrote the title and a few ideas, but you can probably do the rest in, like, six second because you're freaking Weird Al.

Dig on these sure-fire parody hits, Alfred:

"There's a Bathroom on the Right": My dad convinced me that these were the actual lyrics to Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Bad Moon Rising" for the first 12 years of my life. Can you please write a parody song so that my musical childhood is no longer based on a lie?

"It's Hip to be a Bear": What is better than combining the rocking, sexy-saxophone sounds of Huey Lewis and the News with a song about the most mighty yet misunderstood animal in the forest? Um, how about nothing! This could also be a great opportunity to educate kids more about bears and, of course, the legacy and greatness of Huey Lewis.

"Butter Man": All you have to do is take Pearl Jam's "Better Man" and change the first word to "butter," so it's all like, "Can't find the butter, man." Maybe it's a song about a guy making toast or something. Or maybe a blind guy making toast? No, that's too risky. Work your magic, Al.

"Hotel Cali-boring-nia": Performed in the style of the Eagles' "Hotel California," but the lyrics are all about how friggin' boring that song is. You should devote at least two verses to the stupid conga drums on that track.

"Who Let the Dogs Out?": In this parody, you actually keep the title, but write the song about a detective who goes back in time to the year 2000 and helps the Baha Men find out who, exactly, let those dogs out. We should find out because one of those dogs could have been hit by a car or something.

"Poop-ar-azzi": As a professional jokemaker, you know that adding the words "poop" "fart" or "wiener" to any song title makes it about 97 times funnier. Just ask The Office's Michael Scott, author of "Total Eclipse of the Fart" and "Achy Breaky Fart." Also, Lady Gaga probably wouldn't mind if you made fun of her, because she's a robot and robots don't have feelings... yet. For the video, you could have that lady who puts her gaggle of children on television all the time do her specialty dance to this - I saw it on YouTube and it terrified me. But in a good way.

Thanks for taking a look at these and I look forward to collaborating with you. Quick question, though: Can I get my face on the album cover? No rush, just let me know when you've got a second.


- Mike Bookey

Weird Al Yankovic

7pm Saturday, July 31. Deschutes County Fairgrounds, 3800 SW Airport Way. Free with admission to the fair and a ticket. Listen to 98.3 FM, The Twins, for ticket info.

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