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Cocktailing: The Victory Shot 

There are a few givens that can lead a man to drinking: divorce, death of a loved one, and the use of a voice-activated phone

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There are a few givens that can lead a man to drinking: divorce, death of a loved one, and the use of a voice-activated phone menu system. Even the most tolerant will find themselves throwing the phone across the room after they have had to repeat "check account" sixteen times to hear the same voice repeat again and again, "I'm sorry. I didn't get that." Succumbing to screaming, "No kidding you didn't get that. You are a goddamn voice without a brain - so how could you possibly GET THAT?" You walk to the bar because nothing cures a broken soul like a cocktail.

Sitting on your barstool feeling slightly ashamed that you are the only person in the bar mid-afternoon, you start to wonder whose idiotic idea it was to have you clearly shout your account number and password repetitively into the phone. What was wrong with pushing the buttons? Obviously there is a lobby by Identity Thieves of America to keep up this practice, as there is no doubt they are all over Washington doling out gifts and promising senators favors to keep this system alive.

It seems like a no win situation, but really you just need to keep control. Next time, just start saying random words so when she says, "I'm sorry. I didn't get that." At least you understand where she is coming from. Some of my favorite lexicons are shuttlecock, giblet, and haberdashery. I also like to ask certain questions like, "Do you know who shot Kennedy?" or "Where does your soul go when you die?" If you are lucky, you speak a foreign language and can ask things like, "Ertu alltaf svona pirrandi?" which is Icelandic for, "Are you typically this annoying?"

That way you have the upper hand in the situation, and isn't this what it's all about? Eventually, if you confuse the voice enough it will put you through to a real human at which point you are justified to spend the next ten minutes repeating, "I'm sorry I didn't get that," to every question they ask you.

After this tĂȘte--tĂȘte, nothing will warm your heart more than knowing the voice didn't win. And a winner always deserves a victory shot.

Victory Shot

1.5 oz tequila
.5 oz blue curaçao
.5 oz fresh squeezed lime
Shake and strain into a shot glass.

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