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Disasters, Death, and You 

How many times has this happened to you: You're strolling along in the park, gazing lovingly at the beauty and wonderment of nature, when... WHAMMO! A meteor that's roughly the size of Texas and made out of rusty razor blades and used condoms smashes into the center of town! Everything's ablaze! Buildings are toppling! The highways are destroyed! People are screaming and running in a blind panic! Twitter is down! A drippy used condom is on the shoulder of your new sweater! And everything is really, really, really

uncomfortable! WHAT... DO... YOU... DO??

Naturally the first thing you should do is turn on your television to watch the new Discovery Channel show debuting this week entitled Worst Case Scenario (Wed, May 5, 10 pm), in which host Bear Grylis teaches you how to survive nearly any urban disaster. BUT IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT! Because, in case you haven't noticed, THERE IS NO LONGER ANY TV! Your Samsung 42-inch plasma flat screen is now a gooey black puddle on your living-room floor thanks to a certain used-condom/rusty-razor-blade meteor that crashed into your town, set everything on fire, and that shall remain nameless! So. WHAT... DO... YOU... DO??

Well, I suppose one could accept one's fate and learn to live in a town engulfed in flames and someone else's sperm. I suppose one could live without TV by staging community theater productions of Glee starring some of the town's burn victims. (Dibs on Puck!) Or one could watch this Worst Case Scenario show NOW - before the cataclysmic destruction of your town.

Like I said, in Worst Case Scenario, host Bear Grylis (wilderness survival expert and star of Man vs. Wild) shares his knowledge on how to survive any number of "urban disasters" - the kind that could happen to you and me at any moment! Simply by watching this show, you'll learn how to escape a burning high-rise, flee a submerged car, survive suddenly failed brakes, and fight off a shark attack (which occurs more often than you'd think - especially if you're like me and like to hop into the shark tank at the aquarium wearing only a rib-eye steak "mankini").

Grylis promises to provide step-by-step instructions on how to get out of all of these situations, and many more. HOWEVER! It should be noted that his intention is to merely "survive," rather than "prosper." Now, let's say I was the star of this show, and the "urban disaster of the day" was... oh... I don't know... a meteor made of used condoms and razor blades. Here's what I would advise:

RULE #1: Don't panic. RULE #2: Don't bother looking for family and friends - go straight into "looting mode." People usually don't expect looting to start until maybe three or four hours after a disaster. Loot immediately before all the good stuff is gone! RULE #3: Pretend you're a zombie. Nobody effs with a zombie, including other zombies. And finally, RULE #4: Wear waterproof, steel-toed boots. DUDE! There are used condoms and razor blades all over the ground!!

LOOK OUT! CONDOM METEOR! steve@portlandmercury.com

thursday 29

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE Racially insensitive hilarity ensues when Dwight tries to force Mindy into the minority-training program.

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK Jenna has a new boyfriend who may, or may not be, a serial killer (lovingly played by SNL's Will Forte).

friday 30

9:00 TOON STAR WARS: CLONE WARS Season finale! Anakin is led into a trap, leaving R2D2 to warn the rest of the Jedi. (Hope they can speak "Beep-boop-beep-boop-beep!")

9:00 ABC WIFE SWAP From TV Guide: "A family of Goths who dance ballet and commune with the dead swap with an ultra-competitive hockey-playing family." YESSSSS!!!

saturday 1

10:30 HBO2 THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW Tonight in "Monkey News": A chimp performs eye surgery. YESSSSS!!!

sunday 2

9:00 FOX FAMILY GUY Family Guy celebrates 150 episodes of not being funny with a special hour-long "not funny" episode.

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD Hank's increasingly violent panic attacks aren't going over well with his bosses at the DEA.

monday 3

8:00 FOX HOUSE House and the gang pay tribute to Gladys Knight and the Pips, karaoke-style. Oh, Glee! What have you wrought??

8:00 NBC CHUCK Chuck and Sarah are mentored by a pair of married spies who HATE each other (played by Fred Willard and Swoosie Kurtz)!

tuesday 4

9:00 ABC LOST The Losties have a date with a submarine and some leaky sticks of dynamite.

9:00 FOX GLEE Sue is extra humiliated when a video of her performing Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" is critiqued by... the actual Olivia Newton-John!

wednesday 5

9:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL The final five is performing tonight, so I guess I'll watch, and... ACCK! I CAN'T DO IT! I JUST CAN'T DO IT!!

10:00 DSC WORST CASE SCENARIO Debut! Host Bear Grylis shows you how to remove condom/meteor stains from cashmere.

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