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Easy One-Stop Shopping for All Your Straight Poop Needs 

Monday, Aug. 22

It's all over! Libyan rebels claim victory, say they've taken control of 95percent of capital city of Tripoli ... Maybe it isn't all over! Forces loyal to dictator Muammar Qaddafi still holding on; Qaddafi son tells journalists his dad has shrewdly lured rebels into a "trap" ... Yeah, we blew it: NYC District Attorney asks court to drop rape charges against former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn because of alleged victim's credibility problems ... Lawyered up: Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein retains hotshot defense lawyer Reid Weingarten as investigations of his role in sub-prime mortgage fiasco continue ... Not this time: Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin, Tea Party darling and architect of Republicans' throw-grandma-under-the-train Medicare plan, says he won't run for president this year ... Bursting at the seams: GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney will triple size of his 3,000-sf, $12 million home in La Jolla, CA; says he needs more room for five grown children and 16 grandkids.

Tuesday, Aug. 23

Shook up: 5.8 earthquake rattles windows and nerves in Washington, DC and other parts of East Coast; Twitter wits say it was caused by Founding Fathers rolling over in graves ... It's all in how you spin it: Rebel forces smash their way into Muammar Qaddafi's compound, but Libyan dictator claims it was a "tactical move" ... Talk about bad timing: Venezuelan President Cesar Chavez says he'll support Qaddafi no matter what, accuses US and NATO of sparking revolution to grab Libya's oil ... Battening the hatches: East Coast braces for disaster as Hurricane Irene, predicted to be Category 4 storm, sweeps up from Florida ... Few surprises here: New poll gives Texas Gov. Rick Perry the lead among Republican voters in Iowa. Same poll finds 38 percent of Iowa Republicans believe in evolution, 21 percent believe in global warming, 82 percent believe Earth is flat. Okay, the last bit was a joke.

Wednesday, Aug. 24

The guru departs: Steve Jobs steps down as CEO of Apple due to health problems; second-in-command Timothy Cook to take over ... Sorry, Saadi: Saadi Qaddafi, son of Muammar, offers to broker cease-fire with rebels; rebels laughing too hard to respond ... New top gun in town: In first poll since he entered race, Rick Perry has 13-point lead over closest rival Mitt Romney ... Arrividerci, paisano: Joey Vento, purveyor of Philadelphia cheesesteak sandwiches who became famous for refusing to serve non-English-speaking customers, dies at 71 ... Not the only thing that's cracked: Pat Robertson, on his "700 Club" TV show, says crack in Washington Monument caused by earthquake could be "a sign from the Lord," but adds, "I don't want to get weird on this." Uh, okay.

Thursday, Aug. 25

Where in the world is Muammar Qaddafi? Hunt is on for Libyan dictator; aide says he's either in southern Tripoli or hiding out in desert ... Secret crush? Albums filled with photos of former US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice found in Qaddafi's compound; State Department spokesperson calls it "bizarre and creepy" ... Is this The Big One? Hurricane Irene bearing down on Northeast, predicted to cause almost $14 billion damage ... NYC evacuates low-lying areas, closes public transit system ... Meanwhile House Majority Leader Eric "Scrooge" Cantor says any money for hurricane relief will have to be offset by budget cuts ... Giant rats invade New York! Man kills cat-sized rat (identified as a Gambian pouched rat) with pitchfork in Brooklyn housing project ... And on Wall Street, JPMorgan Chase agrees to pay $88.3 million for violating law against trading with Cuba, Iran and Sudan.

Friday, Aug. 26

This could be The Big One! Hurricane Irene nearing North Carolina ... 2 million evacuated from coastal areas on Eastern Seaboard ... President Obama prudently cuts short vacation on Martha's Vineyard ... Head for the hills! OSU scientist Chris Goldfinger says "we're in the middle of a global cluster of megaquakes" and monster earthquake and tsunami could hit Northwest soon ... Hoard gold! Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke disappoints Wall Street, announces no new stimulus action ... If you're healthy, thank a Neanderthal: Research indicates cross-breeding between Homo sapiens and Neanderthals boosted humans' immune systems.

Saturday, Aug. 27

Downgraded, but not out: Hurricane Irene, now only Category 2, rolls into New Jersey; death toll at 10 ... An extra helping of tea: Poll shows Rick Perry leading Mitt Romney by 21 points among Tea Party supporters, trailing him by 3 points among non-Tea Party supporters ... Don't let the door hit ya: Dominique Strauss-Kahn and wife, trailed by caravan of paparazzi, flee NYC for their townhouse in DC ... Grim reminder: More than 50 charred bodies found in warehouse in Libya, allegedly killed by Qaddafi forces ... Tablet Wars: Amazon plans to take on Steve Jobs-less Apple by selling its own tablet for much less than $499 iPad.

Sunday, Aug. 28

It's a conflagration! Gov. John Kitzhaber invokes Oregon's Conflagration Act to bring fire departments from out of region to battle four giant Warm Springs blazes ... Irene, goodbye: Vermont battling floods caused by Irene-related storms; death toll at 35 ... New Yorkers bitching (naturally) that hurricane wasn't bad enough to warrant precautions taken ... GOP presidential hopeful Ron Paul says Federal Emergency Management Agency not needed. "I live on the Gulf Coast. We put up with hurricanes all the time," says he. We've put up with him for decades.

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