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Fascinating! 

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Do not mark your calendar! On Thursday, December 9, at 10:00 p.m. on ABC, Barbara Walters will be revealing her choice for the "10 Most Fascinating People of 2010." (Though she's revealed only eight so far.) Naturally, her choices are a sopping condom full of diaper gravy, while mine are infinitely more awesome. Let's compare:


Barbara's choice: Betty White. Sorry, old people, but the internet begging an aging comedian to host Saturday Night Live is not fascinating. (Though it is "fascinating" that she made it through the entire broadcast without rupturing her colostomy bag.)

Humpy's alternate choice: My aunt Wanda! She's 73 years old, drinks a quart of rye every day, chain-smokes two packs of Pall Malls, and somehow coerces "young strapping bucks" into the sack for loud, regrettable sex. Stomach churning? Maybe. Fascinating? Absolutely.

Barbara's choice: Sandra Bullock. Let me get this straight: A mustachioed actress gets cheated on by her hillbilly hubby - and this makes her fascinating? (Though I will admit I'm fascinated by her mustache.)

Humpy's alternate choice: Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1 who totally got cheated on (by me) and retaliated by sleeping with every one of my friends, burning my mattress, poisoning my Fresca with antifreeze, lending my credit cards to hoboes, rubbing Bengay into my underpants, and somehow getting me on the TSA terrorist watch list. In her defense... she doesn't have a mustache.

Barbara's choice: LeBron James. Uh... he plays basketball, right?

Humpy's alternate choice: A can of creamed corn.

Barbara's choice: Jennifer Lopez. Wow! Now that's more like it! Jennifer Lopez is super-duper fascinating! (This message brought to you by the year 1998.)

Humpy's alternate choice: Jennifer Lopez's booty - circa 1998!

Barbara's choice: Kate Middleton. She's Prince William's bride-to-be, right? Mmm... she's British and therefore contractually obligated to be boring. And have bad teeth. Next!

Humpy's alternate choice: A Cadbury egg.

Barbara's choice: Sarah Palin. What the shit?? Seriously? While I'll admit Palin was somewhat "fascinating" in 2008 - in the way a suffocating fish squirming beneath a boot is fascinating - she hasn't done JACK-POOP in 2010 except star in a failing reality show and watch her clubfooted daughter gain 20 pounds on Dancing with the Stars.

Humpy's alternate choice: Christine O'Donnell. I mean, C'MON!! The Tea Party blew up this year, totally changing the face of politics, and Christine was their poster gal. And even if you think that's boring, SHE HATES MASTURBATING. AND SHE'S A WITCH. The only way Christine could get more fascinating is if she married a goat and the twosome opened a Jamba Juice on Mars.

Barbara's choice: The cast of Jersey Shore. While these TV douchebags aren't all that interesting, I am eternally fascinated by...

Humpy's alternate choice: The cast of Jersey Shore's herpes strain! Seriously, give me a microscope and a biohazard suit, and I could watch those little squirmers all day.

Barbara's choice: Justin Bieber. YES, BARBARA! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES, YES!

Humpy's alternate choice: A monkey in a red jumper and roller skates leaping over the Grand Canyon while singing the Spin Doctors' "Two Princes" and shooting fireworks out of its ass. (I really like Justin Bieber!)

Waitasecond... why ain't I on that list?!? steve@portlandmercury.com

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