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Goddamn Kids! 

Steven Humphrey tells you all about those goddamn kids!

Goddamn kids! I'll tell YOU the trouble with kids today. All they care about are their goddamn Pokey-Mans, iPods, Sunny D's, Pop Rocks, Kid Bopz, Razor scooters, internet porn, bear traps, sandwich fixin's, IUDs, Elmo, karate lessons, Santa Claus, Katy Perry, Lady Goo-Goo, Shaun Cassidy, sexting, unicycles, jaguars (the animal, not the car), fist pumps, saxophone solos, binge drinking, caramel corn, raising the national debt ceiling, monster trucks, flash mobs, Pogs, Ninja Turtles, pizza pie, Dig Dug, Indians, mayonnaise, Pilates, graffiti, wedgies, swirlies, weight lifting, tongue piercing, Cracker Jacks... (DEEP INHALE)... fried shrimp, the MTV, go-go dancing, beat poetry, ice cream trucks, Steven Seagal, Japanese war memorabilia, pogo sticks, Silly Bandz, Halloween, hand jobs, and comfortable shoes.

Oh, and kids TV shows! If you gave a kid a choice whether they'd rather watch Hannah Montana or an acclaimed documentary about the economic collapse of Wall Street and the corrupt financial mechanisms that bilked billions out of bankers and hedge fund managers, they'd pick... wait... now I've forgotten what the choice was. OH! They'd pick Hannah Montana every time!

And because you're gonna look like a goddamn IDIOT to teenagers if you don't already know this information, here are three shows debuting this week catering to the kidtarded tastes of today's youth.

* My Babysitter's a Vampire (Disney Channel, Friday, June 10, 7 pm). A teen left in charge of his little sister screws it up, which leads his parents to hire a professional babysitter - WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE A VAMPIRE?? WHAAAAAT? Expect over-the-top acting, teeth grinding puns, and thinly veiled references to necrophilia and the oral manipulation of genitalia.

* Kickin' It (Disney XD, Monday, June 13, 8:30 pm). The owner of the worst martial arts studio in the universe hires a smart-mouth wise-ass punk (and kung fu expert) to whip his students into shape. THIS IS A CRAP IDEA. Kids shouldn't know how to beat up adults, and could make me hesitate before smacking the teeth out of their smart-mouth, wise-ass punk mouths.

* The Nine Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family, Tuesday, June 14, 9 pm). Based on the tweeny book series, a teenager discovers she's descended from an ancient race of cat-people or something, and develops "enhanced speed, hearing, agility, and the ability to climb objects using her claws." Ack! That sounds like my ex-wife!! PASS.

Now if these kids REALLY want to watch something good, they'll tune into the HUB Network (check your cable/satellite provider for availability) which features poop-tons of great cartoons from when I was a little smart-mouth wise-ass punk. Watch Transformers, Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?, My Little Pony, G.I. Joe, Fraggle Rock, and the best children's show in the history of the goddamn universe, Jem and the Holograms! EEEEEEE!!!

So put that in your pipe and don't inhale it, you smart-mouth wise-ass punks! Or if you'd rather, go on back to your goddamn roller skates, Justin Biebers, Hubba Bubba, PCP raves, slap bracelets, corn dogs, Malibu Barbies, vodka eyeballing, Lisa Frank notebooks, yo-yos, Doc Martins, hackey sacks, streaking, coonskin caps, Marlboro Lights... (to be continued next week).

Goddamn kids and their goddamn emails...

steve (at) portlandmercury.com

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