Happy Birthday! Birthers gone wild, a new gal on the bench and something about banks | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon
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Happy Birthday! Birthers gone wild, a new gal on the bench and something about banks 

The author is listening to Al Green far too much, mourning a lost love, watching a guy with a zoom lens sitting outside of 900 Wall take pictures of young girls at Hot Box Betty, wondering if he's an uncle or a character from "Dexter."

The author is listening to Al Green far too much, mourning a lost love, watching a guy with a zoom lens sitting outside of 900 Wall take pictures of young girls at Hot Box Betty, wondering if he's an uncle or a character from "Dexter."

So You Say It's Your Birthday

Happy 49th to the 44th president, as Obama celebrated the weekend with BBQ and b-ball, joined by Magic Johnson and Lebron James, sans his wife Michelle and daughters Sasha and Malia (who were busy writing foreign policy in Spain). Of course, this birthday was all a ruse because Obama was never actually born, according to "birthers" who continue to confuse only themselves. In related news, Lt. Col. Terrence Lakin, a decorated Army doctor and 18-year veteran, faced a military judge on charges of disobeying a lawful order, missing movement, and dereliction of duty for refusing to deploy to Afghanistan. Lakin believes that contrary to Bush-Cheney's ignorance of Afghanistan while invading Iraq, our current Commander in Chief's orders are illegitimate (according to Lakin and other "birthers") because he wasn't really born in Hawaii, despite at least two newspapers announcing his birth 49 years ago and Republican governor Linda Lingle certifying Obama's birth certificate (yep, one exists). But that isn't good enough for those who would rather have a fossil formerly known as John McCain and the GOP's language challenged pitbull, Sarah Palin, in the White House.

A jury will soon decide whether to court martial Lt. Col. Lakin, while the court of opinion has already found "birthers" to be racist idiots, sentenced to wallow in their shared misery for eternity - or until they find something else to be outraged by, perhaps Jennifer Aniston's sorry dating and box-office record. Yet, they are never angered at those who put inane ideas in ill-equipped minds (Glenn Beck, Hannity, O'Reilly, the GOP et al) then dismiss anything that disproves their despicable diatribes. Freedom of speech is great, ain't it? BTW: I heard that FOX is owned by an Australian who makes billions from the ire of Americans, pass it along...

"Faithfully and Impartially"

Sure to further undermine all delusional Americans' rights is the confirmation of Elena Kagan this Saturday, with the 50-year-old woman (yes, she has no penis, but will still wear a robe) receiving the 62-word oath from Chief Justice/Klan Dragon John Roberts to replace retiring Justice Stevens. If you haven't noticed, the Supreme Court is rather split, with one side recently finding that corporations have unlimited spending power in elections and full authority to sully and destroy our earth. Kagan's will be a critical opinion and here's a sample of the cases she may soon hear: Westboro Baptist Church's peace-loving protests at military funerals that declare all soldiers gay and deserving to die, then suing anyone who questions their holy word; Arizona's anti-immigration law requiring that everyone who built and fed Arizona get the f*** out; Virginia's challenging of Obama's health care reform because presidents shouldn't aid, only invade; California's Prop 8 saying that any guys standing too close cannot be happy or enjoy any freedom whatsoever. Good luck, Justice Elena, please slap Scalia when you see him.

Wyclef v. Haiti v. IRS

The single member of the Fugees to not utterly destroy his musical career, Wyclef Jean, can't stay out of the news. After bringing attention to the plight of his home country of Haiti earlier this year, Wyclef announced he is running for president of the small AIDS and America-infested island nation last week. But wait! Wyclef is now being investigated for owing the IRS $5,278,430.10 in taxes dating back to 2004. This guy can't get a break, or write an original song. Wyclef's finances came under scrutiny while fundraising to fix his country after the devastating earthquake (as Verizon and other American companies that care gladly took money and stole non-orphans under the guise of "aid"). To quote this man, who seems to draw much attention upon attempting to do anything, "If I was President, I'd get elected on Friday, assassinated on Saturday, and buried on Sunday."

Other International News

A 25-year-old woman in the Netherlands (name withheld due to some strange law about being innocent until proven guilty) is being investigated for giving birth to four babies then stuffing them in suitcases and storing them in her parents' home; she has no record of mental illness and will never beat the record of baby-momma ugliness held by a French woman who buried 15 newborns in her backyard. The Blackberry (a device buried by Apple's iPhone) is being shutdown throughout the Middle East, with Saudi Arabian authorities (our fine friends who limit women's rights faster than the GOP) delaying a ban while servers that monitor usage are tested, citing security concerns that are really all about interaction and social networking, with a Saudi banker offering sanely, "Security is a secondary issue. It's more about girls meeting boys."

Finally, Fun Banking News

According to the FED (you know, that awesome non-governmental organization that controls our currency), 109 banks have already failed this year (140 total failed, last year), with the list reading like the I-5 corridor - Oregon, California and Nevada are simply bankrupt, with Florida waving a hand from afar, hoping for more hand-outs. Just thought you'd want to know that we're a welfare state and Portland will soon be auctioned off, hipsters fleeing on fixed-gear bikes, wearing Buddy Holly glasses and speaking snidely into gadgets that they can't afford. What a sight it will be.

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