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Harrius Pottumus Disappearius! 

Harry Potter is coming to theaters.

OH, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS BULL-PLOP! So as you probably know, there's this super popular kiddie movie opening this week called Harry Potter and the Howling Herpes of Hogwarts or some crap like that. What-EVER, right? I'll be spending my ten dollars on something based in REALITY - most likely booze, booze, or a quickly negotiated handjob administered in the alley behind the establishment where I purchased the booze.

HOWEVER! This is what gets my goat: It's bad enough that Harry Potter hysteria is infecting our nation's cineplexes and mall food courts (where I eat two-thirds of my meals), it's also leaving one of its "Hogwarts" on my TV this week! Monday (July 18) at 8 pm will mark the debut of a new Lifetime movie entitled Magic Beyond Words: The J.K. Rowling Story - which in case you didn't know, is all about the idiot savant who wrote those Harry Potter books! THIS DRIVES ME INSANE because J.K. Rowling has done absolutely NOTHING to deserve a Lifetime made-for-TV movie! For those born inside an Amish cave, Lifetime ONLY produces movies about the following topics: Women with eating disorders (such as Hunger Point), women who get syphilis (She's Too Young), women who get murdered (The Craigslist Killer), women who gross the rest of us out (My Stepson, My Lover), women who are secretly impregnated by their dentists (She Woke Up Pregnant), and women who request to sleep with danger (Mother, May I Sleep with Danger, starring - swoon - Tori Spelling)!

Did J.K. Rowling get anorexia, syphilis, murdered, secretly impregnated by a dental professional, or sleep with danger and/or her stepson? NO! One minute she was poor, the next she wasn't. The End. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING THE J.K. ROWLING STORY.

Look. I don't even have a vagina, and I'm more worthy of a Lifetime movie. What's that? You'd like to read a treatment of any Lifetime movie about me? WELL, WHAT A COINCIDENCE! I have one right here!

Plot synopsis for You Never Promised Me a Handjob... Wait... Actually, You Did: The Wm.™ Steven Humphrey Story. (This is an unauthorized biography, by the way.)

This story dramatizes the incredible, true tale of how Wm.™ Steven Humphrey rose from a filthy pit of absolute squalor to become a world-renown TV columnist - who still lives in a filthy pit of absolute squalor. Conceived in a perverted dental hygienist's chair, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey was born an anorexic victim of bulimia, whose dream was to ultimately sleep with "Danger" (his stepmother's maiden name) in an attempt to get rid of his syphilis and become Craigslist's most famous murderer. Unfortunately, these dreams were dashed when he was hired as a TV columnist for a filthy, alternative rag who doesn't seem to mind that he spent an entire column talking about a stupid Lifetime movie, instead of the season premieres of the greatest show on television, Breaking Bad (AMC, Sunday, July 17, 10 pm), and the second greatest show on television, My Strange Addiction (TLC, Sun July 17, 10 pm) in which a man obsessively collects shower drain hair.

(SPOILER ALERT! My Lifetime movie doesn't end so well.)

Mother, may I email... with DANGER? HYPERLINK "mailto:steve@portlandmercury.com" steve@portlandmercury.com

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