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Hasseling the Hoff 

What is UP with those Kardashian people? You know who I'm talking about, right? The stars of that inexplicably popular show called Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!, running almost constantly)?

What is UP with those Kardashian people? You know who I'm talking about, right? The stars of that inexplicably popular show called Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!, running almost constantly)? Now, according to the internet (because I'm too angry and superior to watch the show myself) Keeping Up with the Kardashians supposedly stars Kim Kardashian, who according to Wikipedia, has done absolutely NOTHING for the entirety of her life. Seriously! She has done N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!

As celebrities go, she makes Paris Hilton look like Nelson Mandela! So far she's had walk-on roles on a couple of sitcoms, posed nude for Playboy, developed a workout DVD... aaaand that's about it. Oh! And she also starred in a leaked home porno with her then-boyfriend Ray J - but who hasn't? (Not bragging, but my homemade porno with Ray J also had a cameo from Carrot Top.) AND FOR THIS, SHE GETS A REALITY SHOW??? (And a Wikipedia page?) AWWW... HELL TO THE NO!

You know what my Wikipedia page says about me? That's a trick question, because I DON'T HAVE A GODDAMN WIKIPEDIA PAGE! BECAUSE APPARENTLY, I'M NOT FAMOUS ENOUGH TO GET ONE!! And yet this do-nothing slut-hag gets her own freaking show, as well as mad props from Wikipedia - even though she doesn't have a nationally syndicated TV column or the necessary connections to bang both Ray J and Carrot Top simultaneously?? Somebody get me the email address of those guys who declare things "crimes against humanity" - because I wanna declare a crime against humanity!!

Now, don't get me wrong! I have no problem with idiots who get their own reality shows - as long as those idiots have accomplished something. Let's take for example, David Hasselhoff. The accomplished Mr. Hasselhoff - at the young age of 58 - has already accomplished more accomplishments than most people accomplish in a lifetime. He's starred in two of the most amazing shows of the past century (Knight Rider AND Baywatch), and then went on to become a judge on America's Got Talent, a German pop star sensation, and the unwitting star of an incredibly popular YouTube video in which he portrays a drunk shirtless David Hasselhoff consuming a cheeseburger. The dude is a quintuple threat!

That's why I have absolutely ZERO problem with David Hasselhoff getting his own reality show, which coincidentally debuts this week, and is called The Hasselhoffs (A&E, Sunday, Dec 5, 10 pm). The show revolves around the Hoff and his near-constant meddling in the show biz affairs of his two adult daughters, Hayley and Taylor Ann, who are trying to get their sure-to-be terrible band "Bella Vida" off the ground. The family flies around the world, attending one event after another, as the girls bicker incessantly, and the Hoff valiantly struggles to appear even moderately sober. (Please, please, PLEASE let there be one poop-face drunk, shirtless cheeseburger eating scene!)

So to sum up, be sure to watch The Hasselhoffs; never, ever, EVER watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians; and help me kick off a letter-writing campaign to get my new porno reality show (starring myself, Ray J, and Carrot Top) on the air. If this doesn't get me a Wikipedia page, nothing will!!

Send your nominations for "Crimes Against Humanity" to... HYPERLINK "mailto:steve@portlandmercury.com" steve@portlandmercury.com

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