I know you're not going to see this movie, but I'm going to review it anyway. Just to spite you. So, Shark Night (not to be mistaken for Shark Knight, the aquatic adventure film starring Martin Lawrence and Mo'Nique that follows the exploits of a chivalrous mako shark and his... I've just been told that movie doesn't exist and I made it up. Back to reviews of real movies).
No, this Shark Night is far different. There's these mid-budget archetypes (token black guy, the hunk, the slut, the fiery Latina, the innocent girl with a secret, the geek and the other geek who takes off his shirt and glasses and somehow becomes a hunk) who go to the innocent girl's private island (Really? A private island?) for a weekend of light swimming and unprotected sex and get attacked by sharks. I guess it's a salt water lake, meaning the sharks aren't allergic or whatever. The movie is PG-13, so that means there's no gore or nudity (instantly making it inferior to Piranha 3D), but it does have the most ridiculous twist I've seen in years, which elevates it above other shark movies such as Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Sharkitron vs. Ducktopus or Catfish of Doom (most of those aren't movies, in case you're scoring at home.) Since you're not seeing the movie, I have to share the twist with you. Sorry.
Evil rednecks have put a bunch of sharks into a lake and strapped cameras to them because, as far as they can tell, a ton of people like Shark Week and would thus love to see snuff films of people getting mauled by different types of sharks. Seriously. They're trying to create a Worlds Most Deadliest Sharks reality show by murdering people with sharks.
So, yeah, the movie would have been better with gore and nudity (also, the flick takes place mostly during the day, so the title Shark Night is somewhat confusing), but it's a solid little exploitation movie that delivers on sharks killing people and people killing sharks. If you were actually going to see this, I'd say you'd have fun as long as your expectations are rational. But since you aren't... enjoy The Help.
Shark Night 3D
★★★✩✩
Starring Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Katharine McPhee and Donal Logue.
Directed by David R. Ellis
Rated PG-13
