Humans Say the Ducks are Number One: Oregon is on top, unless you listen to robots | Outside Features | Bend | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon
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Humans Say the Ducks are Number One: Oregon is on top, unless you listen to robots 

What Oregon football fans can and cannot learn from a robot

This week, the Associated Press poll, as well as the list compiled by the coaches, said that Oregon is the number one team in college football. But if you listen to the BCS, which as far as I can understand is operated and overseen by robots with flashing lights for eyes and little if any actual football experience, Oregon is actually number two.

Why? Um, probably because robots just bleep and bloop all day and know more about algorithms and shit like that than the pros and cons of the spread offense. How often do you see robots in the crowd at college football games? Barely ever. Still, the powers that be have decided that robots know more about football than actual human coaches and sportswriters.

Before you cast me as an anti-technology zealot, allow me to clarify that I actually think robots can be quite useful, but not in all cases, which is why I've drawn up some simple guidelines one can refer to when deciding when football fans can trust and when they can't trust a robot.

Do trust a robot when: He comes back from the future to save you from other, more evil robots.

Do NOT trust a robot when: You need to determine if LaMichael James could run past the Oklahoma secondary.

Do trust a robot when: You want to diffuse a bomb.

Do NOT trust a robot when: Deciding if Boise State's blue turf has contributed to the team's 20-game winning streak or if they're "athletic enough" to embarrass LSU.

Do trust a robot when: You want an automobile produced in under an hour.

Do NOT trust a robot when: They tell you to recalibrate their footballometer. This is a trick. There is no such instrument as a "footballometer" - that robot is just trying to sound smart.

Do trust a robot when: You want to see what the surface of Mars looks like, but don't want to go there yourself.

Do NOT trust a robot when: It tells you that Oklahoma is the best team in the country. Bob Stoops probably just bribed that robot with some extra microchips or something.

Do trust a robot when: Speaking from somewhere inside your dashboard, it provides you with directions to the nearest Taco Bell at two in the morning.

Do NOT trust a robot when: You're wondering what university should rake in the millions of dollars in revenue that results from being placed in the BCS championship game.

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