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I’ve Got a New Drug 

Breaking Bad returns for its fifth and final season this Sunday, July 15th.

You want ME to calm down?!? Well, I want YOU to calm down!! Look. I know I’ve been a little stressed out lately—but you’d be too, if you were starting your own at-home pharmaceutical business. (Did you seriously think that writing this stupid TV column pays my bills? HA!! Amateur pharmaceuticology pays my bills!) Anyway, while being an entrepreneur can make one tense, I’ve come up with a product that will not only make me kazillions of dollars, but will also cure my low-grade nervous psychosis—and it’s called, “A Touch of Valium.”

THINK ABOUT IT. Unless you take Valium all the time, why don’t you take Valium all the time? Because you know you’ll get addicted and become an insane Valium addict who gives random back-alley humjobs in order to get your daily fix, amirite? Besides, I don’t want to calm down a lot—I want to calm down a “touch.” Hence, “Touch of Valium!”

How is this miracle drug manufactured? Under the strictest guidelines for quality! Basically I take one valium pill, cut it into 10 separate pieces, and plop ‘em in a bottle. Then I sell it for $30 each. You take one of these 1/10 Valium pills, you calm down a “touch” and voila! You’ve been touched by Valium! And now you can go about your life in a calm, orderly fashion, giving away humjobs only if the money is right. Oh. And I make a kazillion dollars. THE END.

Now, there are those—primarily so-called “know-it-alls” from the FDA—who say my plan will “never work” and is potentially… oh, how’d they put it… “illegal.” To that I say, “BULL PLOP.” If common mouthwash can be 10 percent alcohol, then why can’t I sell 10 percent Valium pills over the counter? ANSWER: I can and I will. Next question.

Here’s one from frequent I Love Television™ reader Reggie Hardwick. “Umm… are you ever going to actually talk about television?” I AM TALKING ABOUT TELEVISION, SYPHILIS LIP! Because what is the greatest amateur pharmaceuticologist show on TV today? Breaking Bad, of course, which returns for its fifth and final season this Sunday, July 15th at 10 pm on AMC!

As you know, Breaking Bad tells the story of Walter White (played to perfection by Bryan Cranston), a former great chemist turned failed high school teacher who gets cancer, and turns to meth production to support his family. Like my “Touch of Valium,” his meth is the bomb-diggy-diggy, which attracts all sorts of drug runners and kingpins who eventually try to get his formula and murder the shit out of him. This is why Walt has been forced to betray his morals over the past four seasons to stay alive—and in season five? He’s poised to become the absolute king and dictator of all pharmaceuticological pursuits in America! BWAAA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!!

Seriously, Breaking Bad is hands down the best show on TV today, and if you’re missing it? No wonder you’re tense. Have two, or three, or ten of just a “Touch of Valium.” (Coming soon: Touch of Xanax, Touch of Viagra, Touch of Ambien, Touch of Oxycontin, and Touch of Cocaine. In a convenience store near you!)

The FDA follows me on Twitter… why don’t you? @WmSteveHumphrey

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