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Let's Go Nowhere 

ricky gervais, science channel, pyramids, thailand, germans, canada

World travel: I'd prefer to do something else, thankyouverymuch! There are those who say, "Travel broadens the mind as well as the soul," and to those people I say, "APPLE CRAP!!" While I'll admit there are certain upsides to world travel (easier access to illegal pharmaceuticals, totally insane strip bars, more enthusiastic prostitutes), there are far more downsides (diarrhea, indecipherable languages, diarrhea, constantly running into Germans, diarrhea, non-subtitled movies, diarrhea, Communism, diarrhea, sores that won't go away, diarrhea, an absence of Totino's frozen pizzas, diarrhea, being gored by a bull, diarrhea, didgeridoos, diarrhea, didgeridoos).

Every single time I've stepped foot out of the USA, I immediately wished I hadn't. Example: Once I visited Vancouver, BC - that's in Canada. "BC" stands for "Before Christ," which was when most of their hotels were built. Anyway, the moment I stepped out of the car - and I'm not making this up - some sort of bird emptied the entire contents of its colon on my head. I'm not talking about a little poop, here. I'm talking about enough bird shit to fill an empty can of house paint. So yeah... EF YOU and your EFFING BIRDS, CANADA!!

I also visited Mexico - and quickly learned that the people there like to pretend they can't understand you... even when you put an "o" at the end of all your words. ("¿Dónde está automobilio?" "¿Dónde está frozeno Totino pizzo?" "¿Dónde está fellatio?") If they don't want me to put an "o" at the end of every word, why do they call it Mexic-O?!?

And don't fawking ask me why, but one time I visited Thailand - and OMG: It's like Land of the Lost with crossdressers. Actually, the crossdressers were the best part (along with the girl at the Bangkok strip bar who popped balloons by shooting darts out of her hoo-hoo). As it turns out, I didn't really enjoy the six-foot monitor lizard that chased me through the jungle. Or the absolutely horrifying giant bat with a six-foot wingspan and the head of a fox that mistook my testicles for a mango. (In the bat's defense, I was wearing an orange-colored thong.)

ANYWAY! Call me xenophobic if you must (especially since I don't know what it means), but I'm not the only person who despises world travel. In the upcoming series An Idiot Abroad (debuts Sat Jan 22, 10 pm, Science Channel), noted British ding-a-ling Karl Pilkington - sidekick to comedian Ricky Gervais, who often refers to him as "a lovable but empty-headed chimplike moron, buffoon, idiot" - hates other cultures with a passion and is therefore sent on his most frightening mission ever: to visit the Seven Wonders of the World. He climbs the Great Wall of China (noting, "I call it the All Right Wall of China"), views the pyramids ("Looks like a game of Jenga that got out of hand"), and rides camels in Jordan ("Me bollocks are squashed"). It's all absolutely hilarious. And even better? You don't have to give up your Totino's to see the world!

(By the way, in response to Pilkington's "squashed bollocks": HEY, PAL, QUIT COMPLAINING! AT LEAST A GIANT FLYING BAT DIDN'T TRY TO EAT THEM!! Hmmf. Xenophobe.)

AHHH!! Giant fox bat!!! steve@portlandmercury.com

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