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Mad Men Yourself 

Guys! Clear your schedule for Sunday, October 17, at 10:00 p.m.! (No, that's not when I'm going to murder your spouse for $25,000! GEEZ! I already told you I wasn't going to do it! Stop with the nagging!) Why? Because you're going to drop whatever or whomever it is you're doing to watch the Mad Men season four finale! Yes, there are other things on this week - such as the extremely intriguing season premiere of Discovery's Dirty Jobs entitled "Exotic Nanny" (Tues, 9 pm), and the debut of Animal Planet's Freak Encounters (Tues, 10:30 pm), which probably has something to do with animals, but sounds like what I experience every time I go into a Taco Bell at 3:00 a.m. Anyway, don't watch those things! I want your entire focus to be on Mad Men this week! I want you to eat Mad Men! Drink Mad Men! Sleep Mad Men! And... what else? Oh! Defecate Mad Men!

If you're a man, I expect you to spend your week molding your life to match that of Don Draper. First, take off those ridiculous hoodies/tight white pants/Kanye West shutter shades. You look like a goddamn idiot. Go to Men's Wearhouse and pick out a slim Brooks Brothers black suit and a skinny tie. Shave off that stupid hippie beard, cut your idiot hair, and slick it back with some motor oil. Now buy a carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes and a case of gin, and take them straight to your office.

After inhaling a smoke, guzzling three highballs, and falling asleep for half an hour on the company couch, you may receive a visit from someone in HR. SEDUCE HER: preferably with a hilariously arousing line like "Does anybody mind if I take off my pants?" Initially, she may rebuff your advances by mentioning some futuristic words like "sexual harassment." However, this is just code for "I can't make love to you right now. Please pork me on the copier (sorry, mimeograph machine) after work."

Now, let's imagine for a moment you're a lady person. You should spend the entire week molding yourself into Joan Holloway. First, gain 20 pounds: 10 up top, 10 down below. In order to obtain that classic Mad Men hourglass shape, you may need to remove some internal organs. (I'd suggest the totally unnecessary spleen and kidneys.) Purchase an uncomfortably tight dress, some panty hose, and... whaddaya mean "What are panty hose?" Who do I look like? Wikipedia Brown? Google that shit.

Where was I? OH YEAH! Buy a carton of Lucky Strikes and a case of gin, and take them straight to your desk - IN THE SECRETARIAL POOL. A "secretarial pool" is where women begin and end their careers, while often experiencing intense neck pain from the glass ceiling pressing down on their heads. Boo. But hey, you get to wear panty hose! YAY! And be sexually harassed. Boo. And find a husband! YAY! And eventually be cheated on by a drunken, philandering husband (not unlike Don Draper, except uglier) who will sooner or later leave you with his ill-mannered offspring while he goes off cavorting with a younger, prettier member of the aforementioned secretarial pool. Boo.

Did I mention panty hose?

Pass the pantyhose.

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