The author is reporting from the Slurpee Summit, slipping magic powder into our leaders' drinks so they can actually solve something.
"This is an abuse of power," declared disgraced former House Speaker Tom "The Felon" DeLay after a jury deliberated 19 hours to find him guilty of two counts of money laundering while rigging elections. Not the recent midterms, no, but every election Republicans have ever won, rigged with dirty money."... Puts people's lives in danger, threatens our national security and undermines our efforts to work with other countries to solve shared problems." That's what bad politics does, but not what Secretary of State Hillary "Stud" Clinton is complaining about. WikiLeaks, the best thing to happen to leaks since Hurricane Katrina, is about to release another batch of classified documents, including diplomatic cables and Clinton's order to our embassies to collect information on our allies and "biometric information on ranking North Korean diplomats."
Yep, that's right, long before evil North Korea fired on South Korea last weekend, sparking another international crisis, we were secretly collecting their clipped fingernails, prints and iris scans, then further inflaming the dictatorship of Kim Jung "Very" Il by playing "war games" with South Korea this week.
"I was surprised at (the) extent of the spying." said Kristinn "Spell This" Hrafnsson of WikiLeaks about Clinton's order to embassies as well as other "secret" (= shady) documents. Meanwhile, the website's founder Julian Assange still faces multiple rape charges in Sweden, charges brought after WikiLeaks released its first batch of classified documents this year. It's a conspiracy, much like the Institute of Medicine's new report telling us we get enough Vitamin D and calcium, yet adolescent girls need more, and thongs.
This is an outrage, akin to Republicans bankrupting America in only eight years then blaming Obama for not fixing their mess in merely two. "Everything is on the table," said incoming Senate Majority Leader Eric "Confederate" Cantor of the "Slurpee Summit" held on Tuesday with Obama, the opposing parties reenacted the OK Corral, leaving Obama's lip and legacy requiring another 12 stitches.
Unemployment benefits about to expire, this is poor decision-making, like John "Red" Skelton dropping off his three sons at Joann Taylor's house in Michigan this week while going to commit suicide, and unsuccessfully. Even worse, Skelton had only met Taylor online, and an Amber Alert was issued when the boys couldn't be found.
Madness, like falling for Black Friday hype at Best Buy: In St. Louis, shoppers left Best Buy to find their cars towed; northward, in Wisconsin, a woman was arrested for jumping the line at Best Buy then threatening to shoot those she'd just punked; in West Palm Beach thousands of dollars in merchandise were stolen from cars, with tearful victim of Christmas capitalism Shereece Francis (yep that's her first name) admitting, "We've been camping [at Best Buy] since Wednesday," then calling the thefts, "Just cruel, just wicked."
Equally wicked is "El Farmero" (translation: "Fertilize Often, With Death") Arturo Gallegos Castrellon, who "is allegedly responsible for homicides, extortions and distribution of drugs in all the sectors of Ciudad Juarez," according to federal police. As leader of the Aztecas gang in Juarez, Mexico, "El Farmero" is thought responsible for 80 percent of the 2,000 or so murders in the region over the past 16 months (averaging four deaths per day) including slaughtering 14 teens at a party.
Kid problems also plague Armando Gomez of Argentina, who has had ten children with his daughter over 30 years of repeated beatings and rape. However disturbing, the judge hearing the case said such acts of incest are "commonplace" in the Sante Fe province.
Not to be outdone, New Mexico garbage man Marcel Rodriguez-Sifuentes got high on cocaine early Saturday morning and tried to rape his neighbor: "He had been harassing her all night long; calling her, asking to hook up, asking for sex, and she refused every time," explained Albuquerque spokesman Chris Ramirez. After breaking in and getting kicked in the groin, Rodriguez-Sifuentes left the woman's house and continued to collect garbage. He was later arrested and is now on paid leave.
Speaking of getting paid, retired French electrician Pierre Le Guennec and his wife revealed a horde of Picassos dating back to what many believe is the artist's most creative period (1900-1932). The 271 undocumented works are thought to have been in trade for electric work and friendship, and estimated to be worth around $80 million. Of course, Picasso's son Claude is pissed, yelling Merde! "To give away such a large quantity, that's unheard of. It doesn't hold water." Sorry son, it does, as Picasso created around 20,000 works over his lifetime - many still undocumented, becoming the 20th century's greatest artist.
Sadly, the second greatest artist of that century died at 84 on Sunday. Leslie Nielsen, the Canadian-born actor who became America's finest cop, will be remembered as much for Airplane! as The Poseidon Adventure. Yet I recommend a viewing of his inspired and serious role in the 1956 sci-fi adventure "The Forbidden Planet." Heaven is howling right now with classics like, "I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!" And, of course, to Priscilla Presley, "Nice beaver."
