MONDAY 8
Once an absolutely darling teen heartthrob, now an insufferable 19-year-old prick, Justin Bieber is apparently doing everything he can to attain the ultimate pinnacle of douchiness. TMZ unveiled a video today depicting young Mr. Bieber and a gaggle of his backward baseball cap-wearing buddies leaving a nightclub through the establishment's kitchen...when Justin stops and pees into the restaurant's mop bucket, laughing uproariously. (Though we can't imagine the employee whose job it was to empty and maintain the bucket thinking it was all that humorous.) And if you need a cherry of despicableness to add to this sundae of douchebaggery, Bieber is also seen in the video spraying a photo of former president Bill Clinton with some sort of cleaning liquid and yelling, "Fuck Bill Clinton!" The rapidly aging pop star probably thought this was also hilarious...until the video was spread across the entire internet and came to the attention of...former President Bill Clinton. (Uh-OH.) Probably upon the frantic advice of Bieber's publicist, Justin reached out and apologized to Clinton for his idiotic actions. The President—no stranger to scandal himself—jovially laughed off the incident...but advised the pop singer (according to E! Online) to "focus on the good he can do for the world." The report does not say how Bieber responded, but we assume he squeaked "whatever, old dude," peeled out of the parking lot in his leopard-print Audi sports car, and threw out empty cans of Monster energy drink, while giving homeless people the finger.
TUESDAY 9
Speaking of gravely insulting the POTUS, guess who Amanda Bynes gravely insulted on Twatter late last night? "Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!" twattered Amanda—who we have to admit, has really outdone herself this time. In the past, she's peppered numerous celebs with the now famous "You're ugly!" insult including Miley Cyrus (who kind of is), Jenny McCarthy (who definitely is), Courtney Love (who totally is), RuPaul (who definitely is NOT), Rihanna (who definitely is NOT), Drake (who definitely is NOT) and her own father (we've never seen her father, but let's assume he's terribly ugly). No response yet from the White House, so we can only assume the President and the First Lady are currently hiding in their bedroom, holding each other and sobbing softly, "Is plastic surgery covered under Obamacare?" MEANWHILE...Amanda Bynes arrived in court today (wearing sweatpants, a basketball jersey, and a simply to-die-for aquamarine wig) to face charges about that one time when cops showed up to her apartment, and in response she threw her bong out the window—WHICH (c'mon) ISN'T CRAZY AT ALL. The judge ordered the case to be set aside until August 26, to which Amanda did NOT reply, "You're ugly, your honor." (Phew! Nice control, Amanda!)
WEDNESDAY 10
More details on the oh-so-sad breakup of George "the future Mr. Ann Romano" Clooney and Stacy "the Towering Skank-ferno" Keibler: According to sources gabbing to Us magazine, their relationship has "been slowly falling apart for awhile" (tee-hee-hee), and even better "they hadn't had sex in months." (TEE. HEE. HEE.) Now...we fully realize the failure of others does not constitute a "success" for ourselves...but on the other hand? TEE. HEE. HEE. Because she was never heard from again.
THURSDAY 11
After years of representing the "drooling Republican hillbilly" demographic, shrieking harpy/co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck is leaving The View to...brace yourselves for the shock of your lives, dears join the Fox News' morning show FOX and Friends. WE KNOW, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? How will she ever fit in over there? Obviously it will take a very stupid person indeed to fill her very large and stupid shoes on The View...but the producers are definitely on the right track! Check out tomorrow's One Day entry to find out who the lucky winner is (and be advised: your eyes may very well roll out of your head).
FRIDAY 12
Today in SAD: Glee star Cory Monteith was found dead in a Vancouver, BC hotel room this weekend. Only 31, the likeable Monteith had struggled with substance abuse, but at the time of his death, was reportedly in a "100 percent happy" relationship with his Glee costar Lea Michele. Our thoughts go out to his friends and family. IN LESS SADDENING NEWS...As suspected last week (and strongly hinted at yesterday), professional dimwit Jenny McCarthy is moving on to the next phase of her career—from "ignorantly campaigning against vaccines and fluoride" to being on The View! Here's Jenny, is in her own terrible, terrible words. "I look forward to helping make hot topics a little bit hotter, and showing my mom that my interrupting skills have finally paid off." GAH. And thus ends television's golden age.
SATURDAY 13
Today George Zimmerman was found not guilty of second-degree murder and manslaughter following his shooting of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. The 29-year-old neighborhood watch volunteer spotted Martin—who was returning from buying snacks—walking through his neighborhood in Sanford, Florida. "Fucking punks. These assholes. They always get away," Zimmerman told a police dispatcher, alerting them of the presence of an unarmed—but black!—teenager. Ignoring the dispatcher's advice, Zimmerman chased Martin down—and when a fight broke out, shot him in the heart. MEANWHILE...For the Guardian, Gary Younge wrote a scathing piece, correctly and simply pointing out, "On this day, Saturday 13 July 2013, it was still deemed legal in the US to chase and then shoot dead an unarmed black man on his way home from the store because you didn't like the look of him." Yount continued, "Appeals for calm in the wake of such a verdict raise the question of what calm there can possibly be in a place where such a verdict is possible. Parents of black boys are not likely to feel calm. Partners of black men are not likely to feel calm. Children with black fathers are not likely to feel calm. Those who now fear violent social disorder must ask themselves whose interests are served by a violent social order in which young black men can be thus slain and discarded."
SUNDAY 14
In case your faith in humanity wasn't already shaken, here's something that will help reduce it to tiny chunks of rubble: Grown Ups 2 made $42.5 million this weekend, confirming that Americans simply cannot get enough of watching a deer urinate into Adam Sandler's mouth. Yes, that's an actual scene in Grown Ups 2—a scene Americans gleefully guzzled down, just like Adam Sandler gleefully guzzles deer urine. MEANWHILE...In the weekend's lone bit of good news, The King of Queens star Leah Remini has left the Church of Scientology! According to Scientology whistleblower Mike Rinder, Remini has been on the outs since the 2006 wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, when she asked where Shelly, the wife of Scientology leader David Miscavige, was. (Bee-tee-dubs, Shelly Miscavige hasn't been seen in public since 2007.) "You don't have the [bleeping] right to ask about Shelly," shouted former Scientology Celebrity Centre head Tommy Davis, according to the New York Post, who were also told by a source that Remini was then "put through interrogations and blacklisted" as well as subjected to five years of "thought modifications." Huh. And you wonder why she left. MEANWHILE..."HOGWASH AND BALDERDASH! While certainly adorable, Leah Remini is a foul betrayer!" screeched Scientology's official spokesalien, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. Klaktu then began furiously deleting all nine seasons of The King of Queens from his DVR, hesitantly hovering a single glistening tentacle over his remote when he got to the season eight episode "Buggie Nights." "Oh," Klaktu remembered, his voice growing soft. "That's...that's the one where Doug and Carrie find out they have bed bugs. Those were...those were some good times." With a final whisper of "foul betrayer," he deleted it; from the corner of his compound eye, an acidic tear rolled down his cheek.
