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Our Fresh Straight Poop Comes With No Monthly Fees

Monday, Sept. 26

This is turning into a routine: Senate approves deal to avert government shutdown Friday; Democrats and Republicans both claim victory ... Nyaa, nyaa, can't touch me: Dominique Strauss-Kahn claims f ormer status as chief of International Monetary Fund gives him diplomatic immunity against civil lawsuit by NYC hotel maid who says he raped her ... Worth it to shut him up: Charlie Sheen settles suit against "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre and Warner Brothers for reported $25 million ... No PDAs on SWA: Musician/actress Leisha Hailey says she was kicked off Southwest Airlines flight for kissing her girlfriend, urges gays to boycott Southwest ... Guess they aren't that unhealthy: Arch West, former Frito-Lay exec credited with creating Doritos in 1961, dies at age 97.


Tuesday, Sept. 27

Not quite ready for the 19th Century: Saudi Arabia, which last week gave women the right to vote and hold public office, sentences woman to 10 lashes for driving a car ... Hands off those melons: Centers for Disease Control reports 13 dead in listeria outbreak caused by contaminated cantaloupes, worst such case in over a decade ... Not-so-great escape: George Wright, convicted killer who escaped from New Jersey prison in 1970, then hijacked airliner and flew to Algeria, caught in Portugal after 41 years on the lam ... Not around my cows, you don't: Devout Christian Alan Graham, 61, tells Rihanna to get off his farm in Clandeboye, Ireland, where she's shooting music video, because he objects to her skimpy bikini. "Her behavior was inappropriate," he says.

Wednesday, Sept. 28

Muammar of the Desert? New Libyan leaders say they think Muammar Qaddafi's being hidden in the desert of Algeria by nomadic Tuareg tribesmen ... When nerds get macho: Facebook mogul Mark Zuckerberg, who has pledged not to eat meat that he has not personally killed, recently shot, killed and presumably ate a bison, friends report ... Backtracking: King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia revokes sentence of woman condemned to flogging for driving a car; woman staying incognito for own safety ... Just a little cottage at the beach: Jennifer Lopez buys 14,000-square-foot, seven-bedroom home in the ritzy Hamptons for $18 million ... Reported without comment: Toilet explodes at General Services Administration in DC, seriously injuring employee; other toilets in building declared off-limits.

Thursday, Sept. 29

Bend over and brace yourself: Bank of America will start charging $5 a month to use debit cards; other banks expected to follow suit ... Close call: Robert Ford, US ambassador to Syria, attacked by pro-government mob, escapes uninjured; Secretary of State Hillary Clinton denounces "inexcusable assault" ... Just folks: First Lady Michelle Obama snapped by Associated Press photographer while shopping incognito at Target ... That's $500,000 per: Former Hugh Hefner gal pal Holly Madison insures breasts for $1 million with Lloyd's of London, says she needs to "protect her assets" as she prepares for upcoming Las Vegas show. Begging the question: Protect them from what?

Friday, Sept. 30

To the barricades! Occupy Wall Street protesters chanting "End the war! Tax the rich!" march on NY police headquarters, stage sit-in there ... Tax the rich? No, tax the fat: Denmark imposes tax on food items high in saturated fat; Ben & Jerry's ice cream will cost $4,300 a pint. Okay, that was a slight exaggeration ... Will one of those names be "Rupert"? Neville Thurlbeck, former chief reporter for now-defunct Murdoch rag News of the World, reportedly ready to reveal names of those responsible for phone-hacking ... Due process? What's that? CIA-directed air strike kills Anwar al-Ahlaki, reputed top man for al Qaeda in Yemen; his status as native-born American citizen raises questions about legality, but President Obama calls killing "major blow" against terrorism.

Saturday, Oct. 1

The 99-percenters are on the march: Occupy Wall Street protesters block traffic on Brooklyn Bridge; police arrest more than 700 ... Crowd of 3,000 protests outside Bank of America offices in Boston; cops arrest 24 ... Hundreds of protesters gather for "Occupy LA" event ... Other "occupy" demonstrations planned across country, including little ol' Bend ... Why not Canada too? GOP presidential aspirant Rick Perry says he's willing to send US troops to Mexico to battle drug cartels ... Military life's getting gayer all the time: Defense Department says it's okay for military chaplains to perform gay weddings on or off military bases, but they don't have to if they don't want to ... As if Rick Perry voters aren't bad enough: Authorities in Southeastern states concerned about invasion of "hairy crazy ants" from South America.

Sunday, Oct. 2

Unhappy campers: Rick Perry under fire for taking guests to Texas hunting camp with sign that said "N****rhead"; he claims sign was painted over years ago. Herman Cain, only black GOP presidential contender, calls sign "insensitive." To say the least ... Red-blooded American patriots: Bloomberg News investigation says Koch Industries Inc., owned by right-wing billionaires Charles and David Koch, paid bribes in foreign countries and sold millions of dollars' worth of chemicals to Iran ... Guess they decided it might work out after all: After living together for 28 years, Gene Simmons of Kiss and Shannon Tweed get married ... Was this trip necessary? Juan Hernandez, 36, jumps into ambulance in front of Chicago hospital, drives off, crashes, is taken back to same hospital in another ambulance, charged with DUI and other offenses.

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