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Our Straight Poop Is Always Fresh, Wholesome and Tasty 

Monday, April 25

Can't keep a real dick-tator down: Muammar Qaddafi reported "in high spirits" despite NATO air strike that kills three people in his compound ... Put on the pads: NFL fans breathe (temporary) sigh of relief as judge rules in favor of players, ends owners' lockout, but season remains in jeopardy ... Big-game hunting: Levi Johnston, father of Bristol Palin's baby, plans tell-all book titled Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin's Crosshairs ... Don't squeeze those chickens: Oregonians for Humane Farms files to put measure guaranteeing more space for egg-laying hens on next fall's ballot ... "Scandal" du jour: The indefatigable Donald Trump says he's now investigating how President Obama got into Columbia and Harvard despite being a "terrible student" ... Excitement mounts! Millions of royalty-lovers gear up for Friday's wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Tuesday, April 26

Exit "America's Sweetheart": Katie Couric to end five-year stint as first female network news anchor, leave "CBS Evening News" ... Exit the Dragon Lady: Madame Nhu, notorious sister-in-law of South Vietnam's Ngo Dinh Diem, who called Buddhist monks who cremated themselves to protest the regime "barbecues," dies at (approximately) 87. Well, they say the good die young ... Opponents of Yemen's President Ali Abdullah Saleh say they've reached agreement for him to step down in exchange for immunity ... The quack is back: Dan McKeague, 36, of Minneapolis chosen as new voice of the Aflac duck, replacing Gilbert Gottfried, who was fired for sending tasteless tweets about Japanese tsunami ... Excitement still mounting!! Millions all a-twitter about impending nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Wednesday, April 27

Trying to stop the crazy: President Obama releases copy of his long form birth certificate from Hawaii, hoping to end "silliness" over where he was born. Donald Trump immediately demands to see video of actual birth. Yes, I made the last part up ... Meanwhile, former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs suggests it's time for Trump to make good on promise to reveal his tax returns if Obama produced his birth certificate. I did not make that up ... Wanna buy a slightly used social network? Rupert Murdoch puts MySpace on the block. Asking price: $100 million, more than $400 million less than Murdoch paid for it ... Time to say hasta la vista, Arnold: Arnold Schwarzenegger reportedly set to star in fifth "Terminator" movie ... Excitement mounts higher yet!!! Entire world in frenzy over upcoming wedding of Kate Middleton and Prince William.

Thursday, April 28

When weather turns killer: Deadliest tornado outbreak in over 40 years sweeps across South, kills more than 300 ... Blip or double dip? Economic growth slows in first quarter to just 1.8 percent; Fed Boss Ben Bernanke says it's just a blip caused by high oil prices ... Another bubble? In what could be ominous sign of a tech bubble, private holders of Facebook stock looking to unload about $1 billion worth of shares ... Geeks, rejoice: Apple's new white iPhone, which is just like the old iPhone only white, goes on sale. One drawback: You can only use it between Memorial Day and Labor Day ... More excitement than you can stand!!!! Millions fainting, twitching and frothing at mouth in anticipation of nuptials of Kate and Willy.

Friday, April 29

Baby steps: President Obama imposes sanctions on two relatives of Syria's President Bashar al-Assad, but not on Assad himself; spokesman says US "not ready" to call for Assad's removal ... Did he skip any countries? Donald Trump, speaking at Vegas casino bearing his name, delivers profanity-filled rant denouncing Obama for handling of Iraq, China, Afghanistan and Libya. Good to see somebody stepping in to fill Charlie Sheen's shoes ... Put that armadillo down! Researchers establish up to one-third of cases of Hansen's disease, aka leprosy, in US caused by contact with armadillos. Begging the question: Why would anybody want to contact an armadillo? ... Begging a whole bunch of questions: All across America, thousands stay up all night to watch two people get married in England.

Saturday, April 30

Collateral damage: Libyan government says Saif Qaddafi, Muammar's youngest son, and three of his grandchildren killed by NATO air strike ... On second thought: Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh backs out of deal to cede power in exchange for immunity ... Big gummint's good for somethin' after all: Alabama Republican Rep. Robert Aderholt praises federal government's speedy response to tornado disaster ... Now this is weird: Karen Butler of Newport, formerly of Madras, undergoes oral surgery, ends up speaking with British accent. And it happened before she watched the royal wedding.

Sunday, May 1

Osama bin Gone: President Obama announces Osama bin Laden, head of Al Qaeda and mastermind of 9/11, has been killed by US forces in Pakistan. Donald Trump demands to see death certificate ... We didn't mean it: NATO Lt. Gen. Charles Bouchard says NATO isn't trying to kill Muammar Gaddafi or his family, maintains Qaddafi's villa was a legitimate military target ... Meanwhile, mobs attack and burn British and Italian embassies in Tripoli, maybe in retaliation ... Dance of the seven veils: Former Rep. Newt Gingrich tells reporters he's going to be in the presidential race "by the 10th or 11th" of May ... Meanwhile Donald Trump says he won't officially announce until this season of "The Apprentice" ends, but "in my mind, I have already decided." Begging the question: What mind?

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