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Products We Didn't Love 

If we could invent the worst cannabis products, these would be them. Oh wait, we DID invent these

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Having this platform to share canna-centric news, viewpoints and historical insight is a great privilege. It also means being besieged with new products for review, and that can be... problematic.

What seems awesome to the team that produced the item/product in question is sometimes not viewed with the same enthusiasm by those asked to test drive and report back on their offerings.

Unless it's prohibitionist claptrap or a rip-off, I have a policy to not run negative reviews. I have no problem in obtaining my Recommended Daily Allowance of negativity through other channels such as "social media," "current events" or "being me."

But I care about you (#caringisresistance), so I'm going to throw hands and violate my policy of "Don't start none, won't be none" this week.

Super Mega Monster Vape 500 XXXL Pro Edition

The variety of portable vaporizer options may seem limitless, but the makers of the SM500 promise that once you've tried it, "anything else is like vaping rotting seal meat through a straw made of burning sewage sludge."

The unit is hefty at nearly 4 feet high and 18 inches around, weighing in at an unwieldy 14 pounds, necessitating two-handed use at all times. A standard mouthpiece has been replaced with a neon green, pot-leaf-adorned CPAP machine mask that makes the user resemble and sound like Bane, except far douchier.

Heat settings can be laboriously and slowly programmed to an individual temperature of +/- 1 degree, from 120 to 1,200 F, for hits that the press release claims," offer rad terps, and may burst blood vessels in your eyeballs, from the blackout inducing hacking fits." Each hit results in a 5 second burst of an airhorn.

It's powered by dual car batteries, affixed with eight wheels of questionable quality. Three of mine broke off during testing, leaving me to drag them down the sidewalk behind me, leaving a shower of sparks and numerous injured passersby. The tank has a capacity of 1 gallon—which seems excessive, but might be good for the next product.

Super cheap dabs

A year ago, you would pay up to $60 or more per gram for top-shelf extracts, but Oregon's current cannabis oversupply has resulted in free-falling prices. But the makers of Overly Leveraged Industries have lowered the bar to a subterranean level with 1-gram BHO dabs that are readily available at a baffling 5 cents each, or 25 for $1.

I asked OLI owner Lee Banfield how they were able to offer what is certainly the lowest-cost dabs anywhere on the planet, at a mere $1.15 per ounce. "We just do, OK? Maybe don't worry about it," he responded. He mumbled something about, "um, vintage trim," later found to be questionable material from a medical grow in 2006. "Weed is weed, brah," he replied.

The dabs are Vantablack in color, with a disturbing sizzling sound, emitting high-pitched screeching when burned, which several users cited in reviews as "the screaming of tortured souls entering the underworld." Test results were printed in Cyrillic, and translated to a recipe for Pickled Herring Pie. When asked, Banfield replied, "you really seem really hung up on this whole 'lab test results' thing; I wonder what that's about," and insisted their products contain "all the best Cannibal Droids in the world, for sure, I bet, probably. Now leave."

Celebrity Weed

Fame Over Fire Gardens, a division of Starfucker Farms, admit they may not have made the best choices with their line of celebrity-branded pre-rolls.

"Releasing a line named after all 28 contestants from Season 3 of 'The Bachelor' was a misstep," sighed a spokesperson.

"Was the follow up of 'Quackers Kush,' endorsed by Jeanne Bice from QVC's 'Quacker Factory' a better choice? Certainly not. And cannabis consumers don't seem to really connect with products named after cast members from 'Different Strokes,' because they've mostly died in such tragic, depressing manners. And our timing was really off with signing Roseanne Barr and Papa John, for sure."

"Look, the weed is attached, somehow, to people you have seen on, like, TV, or something. That's pretty neat, right? People should buy stuff that famous people like. That's what's most important."

Editor's note: These products are the invention of Josh Jardine's wild imagination. In other words, this is satire.

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