Look, guys! In case you haven't noticed, I have some opinions about things! For example: scones. Who was the freaking idiot who invented scones? THEY'RE TERRIBLE. I refuse to do any research on this - because it's not gonna change my opinion - but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that scones were invented in 1872 by a French baker named Pierre L'Idiot, who left stale bread out on his counter for two weeks, but instead of throwing it away said, "Sacre Bleu! I will sell zis stale bread to zee Americain toureests, and tell them eet iz zee cookeee! And zen? Because zee Americains love everyzing FRANCH, zey will be too embarrassment to admit zat zee cookeee tastes like merde!"
Rest assured, I have a lot more to say about scones - and how they taste like Duraflame logs - but today I've decided to stay on topic, and talk about a new TV show debuting this week (which I also have opinions about!) called Teen Wolf (MTV, special two-part debut, Sunday and Monday, June 5 & 6, 11 pm).
Here is my opinion on that: It's gonna stink... SEXY. On the "stink" side, it has almost ZERO in common with the 1985 classic of the same name. First of all, it doesn't star Michael J. Fox. Second of all, it also doesn't star Jason Bateman, who was in 1987's Teen Wolf, Too. Instead it stars some young twerp named Tyler Posey. (Just my opinion, but I'd kill myself if I had that name.) Third of all, the new teen wolf doesn't even play basketball - he plays lacrosse! This is a game which sounds like it was invented by Pierre L'Idiot - but was actually conceived by Native Americans (but only because they didn't know how to play basketball.)
Whatever... WEREWOLVES DON'T PLAY LACROSSE, YO. They make up cool "wolf" dances at the prom, ride on the tops of vans while "Surfin' USA" plays in the background, and most importantly, WIN CHAMPIONSHIP BASKETBALL GAMES.
On the other hand, one would never want to bone the 1985 teen wolf. He looked like a walking moustache - Tom Selleck's, to be exact. That's too hairy for me. I'd much rather bone something like Sandra Bullock's moustache.
And that is why I'm kind of into this new, sexy-fied 2011 Teen Wolf. Instead of all the hilarious hijinx, this version has a Twilight vibe - except with WAY more sex, and WAY less Mormon undertones. Tyler Posey (UGH!!! Change your name, idiot!) plays Scott McCall, a young outsider who goes wandering around in the woods one night, and - CHOMP! - gets snacked by a werewolf! Naturally, Scott becomes a werewolf too, which causes all sorts of teen drama: While his lacrosse skills may have improved, being a werewolf is ruining his love life with new school hottie Allison (Crystal Reed), which is just fine and dandy with her dad who's - wait for it - a professional werewolf hunter (and kind of a dick)!
So even though the new Teen Wolf is gonna stink - it's a sexy stink, which I will take any day over a scone. WHICH IS THE MOST DESPICABLE COOKIE IN THE WORLD! Curse you, Pierre L'Idiot! CURSE... YOU!!!!
What the freak is a "scone" anyway?? steve@portlandmercury.com
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