Shrouded in Mystery: Christ's sheets, Congressional gunfire and Palin's quest | Editorial | Bend | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon
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Shrouded in Mystery: Christ's sheets, Congressional gunfire and Palin's quest 

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the rabbit hole, wondering if it was the pill or Easter egg, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Domestic Terrorists, in Richmond and Russia

Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA) simply couldn't stand Democrats getting all of the attention for death threats and racial slurs after the passage of health care reform, so he first declared that his offices were shot at by gun-toting Liberals (later reported by Richmond police to be "random gunfire") then decried Dems for announcing that they'd been threatened at all. But this wasn't enough for Cantor (who looks like that suck-up in-law you wish would stop talking) so he launched another PR bonanza about Mr. Norman Leboon of Philadelphia.
What did Leboon do? Sure, he threatened to kill Cantor and his family - but a month ago and via YouTube, the most sinister website for crotch-kicks and poor talent in the world. In news of real threats: Subways in Russia were rocked by two suicide bombers on Monday, with women (yes, women can kill too) detonating themselves 30-minutes apart in different Moscow stations. At least 39 were killed and 70 injured, with Chechen separatists claiming responsibility for one of the bombings, and Russia's PM Putin promising the perpetrators "will be destroyed."

And Jesus Wept

"An insidious plan by anti-government extremists" is what Attorney General Eric Holder is calling the aims of the Hutaree "Christian Warrior" militia (out of Michigan of course) with nine members indicted for, well, an insidious plan. Including charges of seditious conspiracy, attempted use of weapons of mass destruction, and teaching the use of explosive materials, these fine Christians planned to kill a Michigan cop then ambush the funeral and kill many more. "Preparing for the end-time battles to keep the testimony of Jesus Christ alive" is the group's mantra so, by default, Christ is both a hippie and cop-killer. Caught on Tuesday as the group's leader, Joshua Stone, a 21 year-old "training for a battle with the Anti-Christ," (Obama, according to their bible) who wants to take guns away from nuts who play with themselves in the woods yet hate the way of the world.

Speaking of Assured Destruction

Russia and the U.S. have agreed in principle to dismantle more nuclear arms; one-third of the most underused weapons since Pope Benedict's morals and Lady Gaga's real face will be destroyed, still leaving these two countries with 96 percent of the nukes on Earth - don't worry, we can all still die like 1,550 times until they're all gone. Equally destructive is Sarah Palin (the almost-tell-all author/FoxNews "expert"/soon-to-be $8 million Alaska tour-guide for the Discovery Channel) who is on the "Tea Party Express" spreading hate-speech across America. Yet another example of Palin's poor decision-making: This week she stopped in Arizona to extol the virtues of her former running-mate John McCain, yet fickle Tea Party members (74 percent of whom lean Republican and 77 percent voted McCain/Palin) now want to oust McCain from office for not catering to their very short-sighted, racist view. Makes you kinda want to vote McCain, don't it? Next stop: Nevada, to slur Senate Speaker Harry Reid, then hopefully onto Yucca Mountain, where all toxic waste should go.

On Stoners and Settlements

Toking up may be legal (hold your breath real deep until you cough) but companies aren't changing their policies - A Wal-Mart worker in Michigan allowed to use medical marijuana for inoperable sinus cancer was fired for flunking the pee-pee test, saying afterward (and obviously high as a kite), "I want my job back. I thought I was part of the Wal-Mart family." Equally stoned is the ex-wife of LA Dodgers owner Frank McCourt, who is crying to the court that her lifestyle "requires" $1 million per month; Jamie McCourt has personal assets worth $75 million and the couple owns seven homes worth $65 million, but she's still suing Frank (worth $1.2 billion) for support.

God Hath Spoken

Further distancing His Awesomeness from Pope Benedict (all apologies to Catholic readers but, really, this guy needs to resign), God may soon reveal Himself at the Large Haldron Collider on the border of Switzerland and France. "It's going into a new energy region," said a spokeswoman who compared the experiments to Columbus searching for something unknown. Scientists at the 17-mile tunnel managed to make two proton beams collide on Tuesday, possibly approaching the theoretical "God particle" that will make Einstein's Theory of Relativity and Quantum Mechanics jibe - or create a black hole that destroys the Earth in an instant. In other revelatory news, a new high powered digital camera is expected to reveal the most accurate portrait yet of Christ's face from the Shroud of Turin, the cloth that believers say was used to wrap the Redeemer's body after his crucifixion and prior to his resurrection. The History Channel, which airs a special this week, says that the cloth has been inexplicably imprinted with a 3-D image of Christ's face. How it got on a cloth that's been carbon dated at more than 1,000 years after Christ's death is the real mystery, however.

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