The Republican Walkout RULZ!!! | Editorial | Bend | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon
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The Republican Walkout RULZ!!! 

We've been waiting a long time to do away with that pesky thing we call democracy, haven't we?

You guys, wasn't this latest Republican walkout THE BEST?

I mean, we've been waiting a long time to do away with that pesky thing we call democracy, haven't we?

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We may routinely tell minorities in society that they should just buck up and assimilate... that they should just adhere to the melting-pot theory and lie down in the face of majority rule... but when it comes to an all-white Republican caucus in the Oregon Legislature, we obviously couldn't continue to let them be beleaguered by things like compromise, by concessions that had been already afforded to their constituents, by voluntary emissions standards opt-ins for rural counties, or any of that other stuff! No way—they had to Get. Their. Way. Or else! Or else, by god, get off our lawns, because the rest of Oregon was going to pay!

No, this time, we finally got the chance to flout that democracy crap and say what we've all been wanting to say: That when it comes down to it, the majority doesn't rule, and we've never wanted it that way. When it comes down to it, we were all secretly hoping to get some of that nationally-tweeted, autocratic "Dear Leader" flavor over here in Ory-gun, by allowing the majority of the Oregon Legislative Assembly's business to be conducted by executive order and emergency committee instead of by the greater legislative body. That's what I'm talking about, baby! No more deliberations, no more quorums intended to ensure a majority is there to vote... no more dumb committee meetings where legislators can bring their concerns, and where the public can have the chance to speak their minds—all of that goes out the window when you simply don't show up to work. Isn't it refreshing?! Vegas, baby!

Heck, maybe this is going to cause those young, forward-thinking people who want to move to Oregon for its natural beauty and environmental advocacy to think twice about moving here in the first place. Good riddance—we don't need your innovations, your research, your brain trust of any kind. On behalf of us "native Oregonians" (who possess not an ounce of indigenous blood), we say we don't need you. Our way of life was fine before you came here and started postulating about "the planet," trying to further your "worldview" that Oregon is indeed part of the world and thus has an environmental impact upon it. If it came down to it, we'd put a wall not just around Oregon's borders, but around Oregon's skies too—and of course, we'd get California to pay for it!

Seeing as how walkouts have been super successful in the Legislature, how about this? Maybe we end voting too—since it's clear that our votes, either for Democrat or Republican, in state legislative races don't add up to a hill of beans. What's the point, right? With voter apathy at an all-time high (or low?), we're more than ready to let autocracy run wild.

Oh, wait, though—we should probably keep voting around long enough to vote in the autocrat we've always wanted.

The only problem is, no one has yet been able to devise a system that lets the candidate with fewer votes WIN AN ELECTION. Or have they?

Editor's note: This is satire, people. Satire!! The Republican walkout did not, in fact, rule.

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