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TV! Make Daddy a Drink! 

Talking to your television won't make it better.

click to enlarge iluvtv.jpg
First things first! I'm not much of what you kids today call a "videogamer." For me - AND THIS IS JUST MY OPINION, MIND YOU - playing videogames is a fruitless pursuit, which wastes precious time that could be better spent acquiring a myriad of interesting sexually transmitted diseases (and/or sores). But HEY. If you like chasing your little Pac-Mans around a blinky screen, or jumping around like an ignoramus while trying to avoid a barrel-throwing monkey, or fake kung fu fighting some poorly drawn and racially suspect Japanese characters, then by all means, have a fabulous time. I'll be trading STDs with your mom.

That being said, I read some extremely interesting news regarding the videogame technology world that could change the way I watch television (and the way I make snide remarks towards videogamers). Microsoft's Xbox announced the fall launch of "Live TV" - and the things it promises to do are FREAKY. Besides playing dorky games, it will also be able to stream live television from the box to your TV, conduct Bing internet searches for even more content (from Hulu, Netflix, etc.) AND use "motion-sensing Kinect technology" to allow viewers to control their TV viewing experience with their MOUTHS, rather than an old-timey remote control!


From PCMag.com: "For instance, if you want to watch X-Men, you can simply say, 'Xbox Bing X-men' and Bing will pull up all X-Men related games and movies stored in your console. You can then say, 'Xbox Play X-Men' to start playing the movie."
WHAT... THE... FREAK?? I have to admit - I'm not sure how I feel about this! On one hand, if you EVER hear me say the words "Xbox Bing Xmen," get me to a hospital QUICK, because I'm having a stroke. On the other hand, I'm really digging the idea of telling someone (or something) what to do, and then they actually do it! (This supposedly simple concept was entirely lost on my ex-wives, Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey I through III. Agreed, my requests were considerably cruel, and outlawed on at least three continents - but no one could deny they were festive!)
Anyway, I can't wait for this mouth-controlled technology to kick in, because I have a few things to tell my TV! Such as...
"TELEVISION! MAKE JAY LENO FUNNY!" This could also be extended to "TELEVISION! MAKE SNL FUNNY!" or "TELEVISION! MAKE AMERICAN IDOL HILLBILLY CONTESTANTS SING LIKE ACTUAL PEOPLE!" or "TELEVISION! COMBINE ALL OF BRAVO'S 10,000 REAL HOUSEWIVE SHOWS INTO ONE HOUSEWIFE SHOW! I SIMPLY DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME FOR ALL THIS CRAP!"
But if the technologists who invented this stuff were really on the ball, they'd turn my TV into a device that would willingly cater to ALL of my wishes, including...
"TELEVISION! CALL MRS. WM.™ STEVEN HUMPHREY II AND TELL HER I DIDN'T UPLOAD ANY NUDE PHOTOS OF HER ON THE INTERNET... RECENTLY." Or, "TELEVISION! SMELL THIS HAM AND TELL ME IF IT'S SPOILED!" Or, "TELEVISION! TEA! EARL GREY! HOT!" (That was a Star Trek: Next Generation reference for all the nerds I previously insulted with my anti-videogame screed.) Hmmm... what else... oh yeah!
"TELEVISION! IDENTIFY THIS SORE!"
TV! Answer my mountain of email! steve@portlandmercury.com
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