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Vape like a bong and do it in style 


f you are anything like me (and by all that is holy, please let that not be the case) you've probably said to yourself many times: "Sure, I enjoy vaping, but, by God, I enjoy my bong, too. Won't someone think of my needs, the vape- friendly bong lover?"

Dear reader, your voice has been heard (most likely via an NSA-modified mic in your microwave, or the remote controlled two-way camera on your phone, computer or TV). A vaporizer with a water feature is now available to you.

While its name sounds like a CW Network sci-fi series, the Hydrology9 vaporizer is a nifty package of a high end handheld cordless vape married with a water feature to cool and clean the vapor while making the gurgling hubbly bubbly sound.

It looks like a real life lightsaber in the off position, and is about the size of a standard household flashlight. It weighs about as much as a Maglite as well; a solidly constructed piece comprised of "space grade anodized aluminum," instead of that "bus grade non-anodized aluminum" flaming garbage crap used in lesser vaporizers. The rest of the body and the mouthpiece is made of borosilicate glass, which should move you to nod sagely and murmur "Ah, yes...borosilicate. Truly, the glass of kings."

The heating chamber, aka "the oven," is made of food grade porcelain and comes with a game-changing, built-in stirring tool. Midway through your session, simply turn the dial at the bottom of the unit and a small stainless steel piece, which resembles a dough hook on a KitchenAid mixer, twists and mixes through the material being vaporized. By exposing it so that the heat can more thoroughly extract THC, you get more hits and canna-bang for your bowl buck. It's like a spinner for stoners.

The vaporizer has five heat settings, with its temperature monitored and adjusted by a microchip processor. It handles flower only. OK, it's supposed to handle flower only. Theoretically, if you were a cannabis columnist and one of these beauties showed up, and you were perhaps so excited to try it that you opted to forgo reading the instruction manual because doing so is a 16-ounce jar of Weak Sauce, and instead filled it with bubble hash? If you were to do that, yes, you would get high AF, clinically speaking, but you would also have a gooey mess that moves you to become very, very familiar with the enclosed set of cleaning tools. So I strongly encourage you to mind the flower part of the instruction booklet.

Bonus feature: Each temperature setting comes with its own damn light color changing show. Because, lightsaber? Y'all, I can't even....

The hits were clean and varied in density based on the speed and power of my inhalations, just like a regular bong. There's a diffuser in the unit which breaks the hits into smaller bubbles, increasing the cooling/cleaning effect. The spill-proof magnetic cover kept my briefcase dry, too.

My unit came in a leather case (phrasing!), and while it's a great handheld vape, I'm not certain I would use it exclusively when vaping on the go. Its sleek design and multicolored lights draw the eye, so the stealth factor is absent. The battery has a recharge time of two to three hours, and it's not swappable. Hold the unit by the glass midsection, as the battery based base gets very warm to the touch, especially when used at a rate that exceeds the manufacturer's suggested cooling periods. Ahem.

Priced at $250, it would be a worthy investment for the light to mid-weight cannabis consumer who wants ease of use, high quality vape hits and a stylish piece of gear.

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