The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Sarah Palin's palm, offering talking points and apologies to Todd for last night, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
"Cause for Hope but not Celebration"
New unemployment numbers for January came in surprisingly strong (in a good way) with the jobless rate falling to 9.7 percent - a stat not seen since last August when we were all eating caviar and drinking champagne. Manufacturing added jobs for the first time in three years and companies "only" shed 20,000 jobs. "The recession is over," declared former Fed Alan Greenspan on Meet the Press, adding with his usual precision and lack of enthusiasm, "It's going to be a slow, trudging thing... We don't know where the jobs are coming from, but we know the process is underway."Sitting beside Greenspan was former Treasury Secretary and fellow felon Henry Paulson, who said, "I believe the financial markets are stable... I think we could have had 25 percent unemployment if the markets had collapsed." NOTE: Henry's former employers - the government and Goldman Sachs (by now interchangeable entities) - realized quite a boom in business during the recession. Reality check: 4.5 million Americans have lost 75 percent of their mortgage balance and Congress-persons are so afraid of being unemployed after the upcoming elections that "cash for caulkers" is being buzzed about - an actually effective program to make homes more energy efficient that will be bastardized by do-nothings and bitches (see below).
Definition: Female Dog
In Nashville, TN, a bunch of beeyatches gathered to listen to Queen Pit'o Bull Sarah Palin bitch about stuff. The words "Energy Tax Lift American Spirits Cuts" ("Budget" crossed out before "Cuts") scrawled in pen on the palm of her hand for quick talking points (a sure sign of her grasp of the major issues, as well as preparation for the $100,000 speech), the "Tea Party" people - more mantra than movement - ate it up of course, because they offer no real solutions to anything and only want to bitch. Mercifully, they're finding fewer fellow bitches; around 600 people showed up for this inaugural big bitch convention, which makes drinking in parking lots after skiing better attended events, by far. Rise up shredders and two-plankers! The liberal media must pay attention to our need for more tax-free bratwurst and beer - A fresh bong would be totally tasty, too.
Kings of Pork and Pop(-Killer)
The posterchild of government earmarks and military overspending died this week at age 77, with Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) passing after complications from gallbladder surgery and too many IOUs from military contractors stuffed deep in his colon. The first Vietnam Vet elected to Congress, Murtha still managed, while sick, to help oversee final passage of the 2010 defense appropriations bill, no doubt stuffed with weapons we'll never use, made by his pals and arranged by his brother, who is a lobbyist and didn't benefit one bit from having a brother in Congress and in charge of hundreds of billions (wink wink). Murtha was recently one of many Democrats listed as being investigated for ethics violations in Congress, answering all questions with, "I believe that elected representatives of the people understand their constituents and districts best," before jumping in his private stealth bomber and flying to anywhere but Pennsylvania. Speaking of people who died before being convicted of multiple crimes... Michael Jackson's physician ,(well, his drug dealer) Dr. Conrad Murray, has been charged with involuntary manslaughter for shooting up the singer and aficionado of young fans with more drugs than the real king, Elvis. Only celebrities and their crew (and Congress) can turn themselves in without handcuffs after weeks, not months, of negotiating with authorities. Try that the next time you kill someone.
Autism, Age, and a Lost People
New research shows that women over the age of 40 have 50 percent greater risk of a child being born with autism; 1 in 100 children have autism in America, with a major spike in recent years, thanks to women getting educated and not knocked up young by losers (men have 36 percent higher risk if 40 years or older) who play video games all day and/or write for alternative weeklies. Reproduction problems also ended the Bo people, an ancient tribe off India on the Andaman Islands, with the death of Boa Sr at age 85. Boa means "land" or "earth" in the Bo language but no one knows that now because Boa Sr was the last of her people, having no children and losing her husband years ago. Said one professor who studies people and languages about to disappear then mocks them, "At times, she felt very isolated and lonely as she had no one to talk to in her own language."
Other Stuff of Amnesia
Five people were killed and 12 injured when the "Kleen Energy" power plant under construction in Connecticut exploded, with investigators not allowed near the site due to falling debris and top-secret alien technologies that the government doesn't want us to know about. A dead body was found in the wheel-well of a Boeing 777 in Japan; the Delta flight originated in Atlanta and passed through NYC before landing in Japan, but investigators think the stowaway may have been stuck inside, frozen and asphyxiated for up to a month before being found. A Research 2000 poll of "self-identified Republicans" found the following: 31 percent believe President Obama is racist; 23 percent want their state to secede from the U.S.; 93 percent don't read books and think we should invade Canada - ok, we made up that last one, but really, who are these people?
