"Dear people of Earth, I am Lebron James and you're all going to stop what you're doing in the middle of summer and endure an anticlimactic hour of television in which I'll disappoint a bunch of kids. Oh, then I'm going to complain about playing on Christmas. That is all. Carry on."
2. Is That Brett Favre's Weiner?
After metaphorically waving his dick around while deciding if he wanted to play football this year, Brett Favre eventually returned to the NFL, only to literally show off his penis via text message and then throw a cornucopia of interceptions.
3. The Sloppy,
Sloppy Olympics:
Woot woot! The Olympics came to our region, kind of! Oh wait, they didn't have any snow. And then some dude died on his luge... and then the Canadians beat us in hockey... and then those hosers performed the most annoying closing ceremony ever.
4. Gordon Hayward almost Changes College Basketball as We Know it:
That half-court shot at the end of the NCAA championship game almost went in and Butler almost won. But it didn't.
5. UConn Women Win...
All the time and usually by 38 points. Who needs parity when you've got dominance?
6. The Oregon Ducks are Great When They're Not in Jail:
Remember when four or five Ducks were in jail on a variety of offenses last spring? Yeah, didn't think you did.
7. Goodbye Griffey:
If you're one of the best all-around baseball players in the history of the game, you have a right to make a big deal out of your retirement... or you can do what Ken Griffey Jr. did this summer and just send in a written statement before driving solo from Seattle to Florida.
8. Reggie Bush Wins Super Bowl, Loses Heisman:
There were a few good things that happened to Reggie Bush. First he won the Super Bowl with the Saints and then he escaped the gravitational pull of Kim Kardashian's ass. But later in the year, he decided to give back his Heisman because he's a cheater.
9. Cliff Lee's Traveling
Strikeout Circus:
Well, at least he's not a Yankee.
10. Americans Care About Soccer for Two Weeks:
Yeah, but then the U.S. lost to Ghana, a country most Americans believed to be the name of a disease.
