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Whatever, Mom 

Mommy Amnesia

Having a child is like having a major concussion.

It's been 2,125 days since I first learned the news. And while those visions of plus signs and parallel lines from roughly three dozen home pregnancy tests are still vividly embedded in my brain, don't bother asking me to recall anything prior.

Thanks to Cade, my sweet little mind-erasing five-year-old, life before motherhood is practically a blur. No matter how hard I try, there are simply things I just cannot remember.

For instance:

What it felt like to calmly leave the house in the morning

Arriving somewhere on time? Not anymore. Making it out the front door without feeling like the star of a frickin' circus act? Good luck with that. As a mother, it seems that a morning sans chaos requires superpowers... "Mooooommmm, why do I have to brush my teeth? I don't want that in my lunchbox! Can you please not brush my hair today?" ... "Cade, stop throwing your clothes in the air and just put them on! Yes, you need your jacket when it's snowing outside... Dammit, where are the car keys?!"

How to maintain proper hygiene

These days, a 20-minute shower feels like a day at the spa. And changing clothes after wearing them for only one day—well, that's practically unheard of. It's funny how my child can make it to school looking like a model at a photo shoot, yet I somehow manage to resemble Chewbacca on a daily basis.

The carefree days of leaving the bedroom door open

Enough said.

How it felt to sleep past 8 a.m. (or just to sleep at all)

Is it possible to overdose on espresso?

Casually completing a task without feeling as if I've just cured cancer

Let's just say that punctual has pretty much escaped my vocabulary. And my to-do lists now (frequently) consist of at least 30 unfinished projects, some of which have been there for the last five years. Simply put, it's not easy being Mom while trying to get things done. And it's not easy getting things done while trying to be Mom.

When a weekend was actually a weekend

TGIF means nothing to me now, as this fulltime job doesn't allow weekends. Or sick days. Or paid vacation... What day is it, anyway?

A trip to the grocery store that didn't leave me feeling like a holocaust survivor

I won't hesitate to go several days without toilet paper if it means avoiding a trip to Safeway. Sure, on a scale from one to Walmart, they're not all that bad. But regardless, the mere thought of scurrying through the masses while pushing around a demanding (and always hungry) five-year-old in a shopping cart with deformed wheels is enough to cause brain damage. And let's not forget the unloading process. I don't know about you, but I'd rather risk a dislocated shoulder than make a second trip to the car... And when the nightmare is finally over, I think I'll just order a pizza for dinner.

Cleaning house fewer than 800 times a week

Seriously, trying to make it across my living room floor nowadays is like playing a game of Frogger.

Experiencing such a beautiful, unconditional love

As it turns out, I'm perfectly fine with the memory loss.

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