Dear Dr. Jane
I'm in love with my wife. We've been together for over 11 years, are best friends and have two great kids. The problem is that when we're home and the kids are anywhere near us — even in their rooms on the other side of the house — she won't have anything to do with me physically. My wife's discomfort with having sex when the kids are in the house is in the way of us being intimate. Help!
From,
Wanting to get Lucky in Bend
Dear Wanting to Get Lucky,
This is a very common concern. I hear about it every week in my office.
The other day, I was talking with some friends about the whole topic of having sex when kids are in the house. They told me that recently they were streaming "Lady Chatterley's Lover" in their bedroom — a very sexy, 2022 version of the classic story. At one point, a particularly hot scene came on, but they couldn't hear what was happening. They turned up the volume more and more — but all they got was crickets. They were perplexed and disappointed.
Eventually, there was a knock at the door.
One of their kids had been making cookies when their computer accidentally connected to the family room speaker. Alexa was blasting the sounds of lovemaking throughout the kitchen. My friends rushed to turn off the computer as the scent of oatmeal cookies filled the house, and they explained what had happened.
This is every couples' nightmare, but was it really damaging to their kids? Why were my wonderful friends so worried about their kids knowing that they were listening to a sexy movie or even having wild sex themselves? Would they have been horrified if Alexa had been blasting the audio from a violent movie instead?
There's something about sex that's unsettling for many of us. In our culture, we've been told that having our kids know we're sexual is somehow dangerous or wrong. That it scars our kids to know this about us.
We women usually carry this message even more strongly than our male partners. Sometimes we like hotel or vacation sex because that's when we're far enough away from the responsibility of motherhood that we can express our sexuality again. It's also true that this is when we're not exhausted physically and mentally, but if we're honest, this often has more to do with the difficulty we feel being a mom and a sexual person simultaneously.
This is a longer conversation, but for now, try these two tips to make things better:
Have a talk about adult intimacy with your kids. Tell them that because you love each other, you need some private alone time. You don't have to be graphic. You're just setting the stage. Loving private time between partners is important. Try taking time alone together in your room when they are awake and around the house. When you first start this practice, you can just use this as a time to cuddle and chat. It doesn't have to be sexual, but tell your kids that you're going to be alone and to only interrupt you in case of a real emergency. Put a Do Not Disturb sign on your bedroom door and lock it when you're in your room.
Teach your kids to ALWAYS knock before they enter any private space in the house. Demonstrate this with your actions as well — never barge into your child's bathroom or bedroom without knocking. This will help everyone in the house with their own feeling of privacy. It will not only teach your kids to honor your privacy, it will help your kids to trust that they can explore their own bodies without being interrupted by you. The privacy you offer them by allowing them to have locked doors is giving them a great message that you will benefit from in your marriage.
By doing these two simple things, I think you'll both feel more comfortable balancing your intimate lives day to day. You're modeling what it looks like to have a healthy intimate life between partners. There's nothing more important you can teach your kids.
You got this.
Xoxo,
Dr. Jane
—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach.
