Understanding Intimacy: Faking It | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

Understanding Intimacy: Faking It

I've heard that a lot of women fake orgasm. I don't think anyone has ever done that with me, but I guess you never really know.

I have an embarrassing question for you. I've heard that a lot of women fake orgasm. I don't think anyone has ever done that with me, but I guess you never really know. My wife and I have been together for about five years now. We have an 18-month-old son and I think our relationship is going pretty well. The reason I'm writing is that I'm having a problem I've never heard about from other guys.

When we have sex, I often pretend I've finished, even when I haven't. Sometimes we use condoms, so I just throw them out quickly and she doesn't notice. When we don't use one, she doesn't seem to notice either.

I do this because sometimes I'm losing my erection. Other times, I'm just too tired to continue. I don't want her to feel like she's not satisfying to me as a lover.

Have you heard of this before? I want our sex to be hot for both of us, but I sense she knows something's off. If I asked her "Who's Your Daddy?" I think she might just laugh.

Faking it

Dear Faking,

Even though men talk with me about faking orgasms all the time, most people don't know this is a thing. More often, we talk about men finishing too soon or women faking orgasm.

"Why Your Man Can't Finish" is literally never the headline of Cosmopolitan magazine. But studies show that a third of men (and 40+% of Gen Zers) have faked orgasm. So here's the truth - you're not alone.

Men do this for all the same reasons that women do, some of which are:

  • They're not getting enough stimulation to get to the point of no return
  • They're tired and can't cross the finish line but don't want their partner to feel inadequate
  • They've been drinking and don't have enough stamina to round the bend
  • They're too much in their heads and not enough in their bodies to hit it out of the park
  • They're losing an erection and would rather feign climax than let their partner know

Does this sound like what's been going on in your bedroom? If it is, count yourself as perfectly normal. These are natural parts of a typical sex life. Problem here is feeling like you need to fake an orgasm in order to feel OK about this stuff. It sounds like your partner may not be noticing that you're doing this, but I think you'll both feel a whole lot better if you're being natural and authentic going forward.

Here's what I recommend:

• Tip #1: Stop thinking that you'll hurt your partner's feelings if you don't have an orgasm. Talk with them about the way you've been feeling about sex. You don't have to tell ALL in order for things to feel more open. Just say that sometimes you get tired and wonder if you're going to climax and that you don't want her to feel like it's their job to make that happen.

• Tip #2: If your partner gets upset and says they think you're not attracted to them if you don't have an orgasm, say that you're responsible for your own response — that it's not her job to make you climax. If there's something that you'd like her to do to get more aroused, share that if you think she might be open.

• Tip #3: Remind yourself that your sex life isn't a contest. We call it "sexual performance" but that's unfortunate. You're making love with your wife. Recognize your own physical and sexual limitations. You're expecting too much out of yourself if you think you'll be at your peak level of stamina and passion after drinks and a big dinner. It's not practical to assume that you're going to be up for a night of acrobatic sex when you're too tired. Try having sex in the morning instead. Maybe take time when the little one is napping.

Realize that you don't have to be superhuman to be a good lover. Cut yourself some slack. You can have more fun and take the stress off of performing. This will make your partner feel better too. None of us is perfect.

You got this.



—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach. Send her your questions at [email protected].

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