Understanding Intimacy: Loving Partner, Sexual Trauma | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

Understanding Intimacy: Loving Partner, Sexual Trauma

Dealing with a partner's sexual trauma can be a very difficult issue. What can you do?

How do you handle a problem with sexual intimacy when it's related to sexual trauma? My partner had some memories of very bad events come back to him a few years ago — the events themselves occurred in his late teens. He's in his mid 40s now and won't see a therapist (even the one he likes and trusts) because he says it's "not a priority right now" and he gets defensive and upset when I try to talk about how it makes me feel.

How can I talk to him about it and address the problem without making him feel invalidated in a way that will actually result in some progress? I love him but I don't know what to do. I don't want to make things worse.

—Loving Partner

Dear Loving Partner,

I hear you. I'm sorry to say that this type of situation comes up in my client sessions pretty often.

Many of us have experienced significant sexual trauma in the past. These experiences can get triggered during things that happen in our current lives. Our bodies often react as if we are back in that time when the traumatic event occurred. When we remember these experiences, we can have significant physical symptoms of distress or flooding.

For example, you might kiss your husband in a way that brings back memories of something that happened. He might be overwhelmed with images or sensations from the past. When he gets triggered by a memory like this, it can be like he's almost not in the room with you anymore. He's back in the traumatic moment in his mind and body. This makes it extremely difficult for him to stay present with you. You might notice that he gets sweaty or shaky. He might feel numb. Or he might just seem absent.

As his partner, it's important to show compassion and support. While it may be tempting to seek out specific details about his past trauma, when you respect his boundaries and understand that he may not feel comfortable sharing with you, he'll feel safer.

Dealing with a partner's sexual trauma can be a very difficult issue. What can you do?

Approach this issue with care and sensitivity. I know he says that he doesn't want to see a therapist. But, seeking the advice and support of a trauma-informed, sex-positive professional could be very beneficial for your husband and for your relationship. Even if he doesn't want to see a therapist, it might be good for you to seek help so that you have the knowledge and tools to deal with the situation.

There are also steps you can take at home to help support your husband's healing process. These may include taking it slow when talking about intimacy, creating a relaxing and safe environment, encouraging open communication and establishing clear boundaries and expectations around physical touch. When he's open to it, it will help you to know what specific things may have happened in the past so that you can avoid doing things that may trigger him as he heals from trauma.

This is a team effort. With patience, compassion and resources for you both, you can work together to create a safe and satisfying intimate life. You deserve love and affection during these challenging times. Your intimate life is deeply impacted by your partner's traumatic experiences from the past.

It's also important to recognize that this process may take time and require ongoing effort. However, it's worth the investment to help heal your relationship and support your partner through the difficult process of recovery.

Above all, approach this issue with empathy and compassion. Remember that your husband's trauma is not his fault, and healing is a journey that requires patience, understanding and support. You can both come out stronger on the other side of this challenge as a couple if you work together, seek the right support and commit to rebuilding a safe and healthy intimate life.

I know he doesn't feel like this issue is "a priority right now" and I get that. But, the truth is that no time feels like the right time to make sexual trauma a priority. It's a difficult topic.

Now' s the time. You got this.

Xoxo

Dr. Jane

—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach. Send her your questions at [email protected].

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