Alice in Republicanland | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

Alice in Republicanland

The best laugh of the day - of the year, maybe - comes courtesy of Michael Funke, who found some unbelievable rhetoric on the Deschutes

The best laugh of the day - of the year, maybe - comes courtesy of Michael Funke, who found some unbelievable rhetoric on the Deschutes County Republican Party website.

First under the heading "This is getting weird!!" we have this tirade against Barack Obama:

"Obama's not acceptable. He's a socialist at best, and Lord knows what else. He's dangerous and a demagogue. He's following in the footsteps of Huey Long and Adolph Hitler and Fidel Castro and all the other silver-tongued, smooth talkers who sucker folks in with the promise of 'change,' and then turn our to be bad news."

Barack Obama = Hitler = Castro = Huey Long. Okay, we get it.

Then comes some advice for parents and grandparents on how to snap the young 'uns out of their Obama-induced trance and make them See the (Republican) Light.

"How to Get the Kids Back to Earth!"

"Have you got a kid or grandkid who is ga-ga over Obama? If so, you're not alone! We've been grappling with this problem, too. How do you straighten their thinking out? How do you pull them out of never-never land and get them to vote for John McCain?

"It doesn't do any good to imply that Obama comes from a long line of shady characters, that he is nothing but a Chicago pol with a smooth line of gab, or that he used to go to the wrong church, or that he isn't patriotic enough, or that his wife is a piece of work, at best. ...

"Our august group came up with the following questions to ask these wayward heirs of ours:

-What are Mr. Obama's qualifications to be President?

-With the probability of a Democratic controlled Congress, do you want a hard-left politician in the presidency? What about our system of checks and balances?

-Mr. Obama is promising 'change,' but 'change' to what? Do you think that electing an inexperienced liberal lawyer to the top job is going to change Congress's charge towards socialism? Not if his utterances from the primaries are to be believed!

-How about realizing that this vote isn't about who's the winner on 'Dancing with the Stars'? This is a moment for careful, rational analysis. It's a time to vote for the man we believe would show the leadership needed when it's time to step up and protect us.

"So, yeah, we can understand our kids/grandkids desires to 'clean up the mess in Washington' and to get someone elected who isn't so ancient, but Obama ain't the answer! He ain't cool, he ain't a hottie, he ain't awesome. He's just a ward politician from Chicago trying to talk his way into a job way too big for him (or you or me, for that matter!)"

Absolutely. But we have no doubt at all that Sarah Palin can handle it.

Finally comes this tidbit, written by Gary Hubbell, who's described as a columnist for the Aspen Times Weekly:

"White Men Vote Too!"

"There is one group no one has recognized, and it is the group that will decide the election: the Angry White Man. The Angry White Man comes from all economic backgrounds, from dirt-poor to filthy rich. He represents all geographic areas in America, from urban sophisticate to rural redneck, deep South to mountain West, left Coast to Eastern Seaboard.

"His common traits are that he isn't looking for anything from anyone - just the promise to be able to make his own way on a level playing field. In many cases, he is an independent businessman and employs several people. He pays more than his share of taxes and works hard.

"The victimhood syndrome buzzwords - 'disenfranchised,' 'marginalized' and 'voiceless' - don't resonate with him. 'Press "one" for English' is a curse-word to him. ...

"The Angry White Man owns firearms, and he's willing to pick up a gun to defend his home and his country. He is willing to lay down his life to defend the freedom and safety of others, and the thought of killing someone who needs killing really doesn't bother him.

"The Angry White Man is not a metrosexual, a homosexual or a victim. Nobody like him drowned in Hurricane Katrina - he got his people together and got the hell out, then went back in to rescue those too helpless and stupid to help themselves, often as a police officer, a National Guard soldier or a volunteer firefighter.

"His last name and religion don't matter. His background might be Italian, English, Polish, German, Slavic, Irish, or Russian, and he might have Cherokee, Mexican, or Puerto Rican mixed in, but he considers himself a white American.

"He's a man's man, the kind of guy who likes to play poker, watch football, hunt white-tailed deer, call turkeys, play golf, spend a few bucks at a strip club once in a blue moon, change his own oil and build things. ...

"Women either love him or hate him, but they know he's a man, not a dishrag. ... He knows that his wife is more emotional than rational, and he guides the family in a rational manner.

"He's not a racist, but he is annoyed and disappointed when people of certain backgrounds exhibit behavior that typifies the worst stereotypes of their race. He's willing to give everybody a fair chance if they work hard, play by the rules and learn English."

That screed reminded us of New York Times columnist Frank Rich's description of today's Republican Party: "Grumpy old white guys watching Bill O'Reilly in a bunker."

Let's see, was any minority group left unoffended? Hispanics, check. Women, check. Homosexuals, check. African-Americans, check. At least there was no anti-Semitism ... as far as we could tell.

It's interesting, and scary, to see what Republicans say when they're talking to each other, as opposed to what they put out for general consumption. Laughable, yes. But not so funny when you realize that the people who spew such toxic waste have a chance of electing the next president of the United States.

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