The Onion Makes X-mas Shopping Easy | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

The Onion Makes X-mas Shopping Easy

Stop stressing out about Christmas shopping. The Onion has you covered. The one-stop shop is their new encyclopedia, The Onion Book of Known Knowledge.


The book is an encyclopedic masterpiece covering everything from Christianity to Joe Biden, pumped full of The Onion’s epic humor. Here’s what they had to say about their masterpiece:

“Just in time for the death of the print industry as we know it comes the final book ever published, and the only one you will ever need: The Onion's compendium of all things known. Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information—such as the life stages of an Aunt; places to kill one's self in Utica, New York; and the dimensions of a female bucket, or "pail." With more than 1,500 entries spanning all 27 letters of the alphabet, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.”

The perfect gift for your snarky/nerdy/pop culture obsessed/dickish/liberal brother/friend/cousin/mom. There is something in this book for EVERYONE.

See entries on:

Day-Lewis, Daniel (b. Apr. 29, 1957), renowned Oscar-winning method actor widely celebrated for his role as the titular 52,000-ton luxury steamship in the film Titanic. Critics and audiences described Lewis as virtually unrecognizable in the role, for which the actor became the gargantuan ocean liner, physically split in two, and slowly sank into the Atlantic Ocean over the course of two hours. Lewis’ performance is often credited with making the epic one of the highest grossing films in history, and for inspiring actor Sean Penn’s acclaimed role as India in the 2008 film Slumdog Millionaire.

Food, any substance that is ingested by an organism to supply its body with nutrients, or to stimulate critical phases of growth and development within the organism, or because it just tastes good even though the organism isn’t really all that hungry, or because there’s only a little left in the package. Typically consisting of plant or animal matter, food is instinctively sought and consumed by an organism to provide itself with energy, or because the organism’s boyfriend just left for good, or to kill time while the organism waits for a connecting flight, or to regulate the organism’s metabolic activity, or because the organism works at a restaurant and it’s basically free, or because the organism’s aunt made a lot and turning it down would make her feel bad, or, in certain instances, because the organism used to have issues with bingeing and still occasionally slips. At its most basic level, food is ingested to maintain life-sustaining functions, often because an organism anticipates getting absolutely hammered later in the night and needs something to absorb all the alcohol.

Dinosaur, extinct terrestrial reptile that lived between 67 million and 250 million years ago during the Mesozoic Era and voraciously consumed every piece of information it could find on 9-year-old boys. The prehistoric orders of Saurischia and Ornithischia, many species of which were massive land dwellers, spent the majority of their existence poring over picture books about 9-year-old boys, learning what they looked like, and memorizing their names. Paleontologists have discovered fossil evidence that suggests the Triceratops, a three-horned herbivorous dinosaur, was particularly intrigued by Billy Sullivan, who stood up to 53 inches tall and could run faster than any other kid in the whole third grade. The Ankylosaurus, a 30-foot-long dinosaur that was covered in bony armor and had a large, clubbed tail, became obsessed with 9-year-old boys after reading about how they subsisted on a diet of hot dogs, Spaghetti-O’s, and chicken fingers. Many scientists believe the 25-ton quadruped Apatosaurus was especially impressed by the fact that some 9-year-old boys have freckles, while the bipedal apex predator Tyrannosaurus Rex—considered the “king of the dinosaurs”—would use its small forelimbs to make drawings of 9-year-old boys jumping on trampolines or riding around on BMX bikes. Paleontologists theorize the large, spike-tailed herbivore Stegosaurus was the smartest but most insufferable dinosaur, because it would build dioramas of 9-year-old-boy habitats and then brag about how accurate they were, or pretend to be a 9-year-old boy by making annoying laughing and yelling noises all the time.

Goodall, Jane (b. Apr. 3, 1934), British primatologist who probably let a couple of chimps get to second base.

I happened to be in Portland last weekend when contributor and Onion editor, Will Tracy, spoke at Powell’s about the book, and challenged everyone in the room to a physical fight. TWICE. Tracy read entries from the book, explained that in the post-zombie-apocalypse he would be our overlord, and casually mentioned that if anyone thought they could best him in a physical contest, that he would take them outside and kill them. Gotta love comedy writers.

So here’s what I suggest:
1. Buy 20 copies of this book
2. Make some new plans for Black Friday, your X-mas shopping is now complete.

You’re welcome.

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