The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Augusta watching Tiger (really a craps game in Brooklyn) on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Get a Job!
For the first time in three years, the economy in March added (yes, added) 162,000 jobs. These numbers are deceptive though. The 9.7 percent unemployment rate is "unacceptably high" to Treasury Secretary Tim "Don't Quote Me" Geithner, with 150,000 new jobs required each month to merely cover new entries into the workforce. Even as the census hires tens of thousands to invade our homes and gather sexy data, 25 million Americans have given up trying to find work or are "under employed" (meaning they moved to a beautiful tourist town for "lifestyle") thus sit outside the Westside Tavern all day, drinking PBR while waving at others passing by.
What They Voted For
At least 30 were killed and 200 wounded - don't worry-, it wasn't in America but Iraq - as suicide bombers in cars detonated the democratic dreams of the new nation on Easter Sunday. Targeting embassies (Iran, Egypt, and a complex holding Syria's and Germany's diplomatic representatives) these blasts bemused Iraqis, with Fued Ahmed speaking for many, "What did we vote for? The explosion? If they can tell us where there's a safe place that we can go to, we'll go there." Sorry Fued, this is what you voted for and nowhere is safe, with our 50,000 troops leaving soon and Jane Harman (D-CA and former chair of the Homeland Security Committee) beaming, "This [Iraq] is basically a success story." Other awesome news from our favorite part of the world: Two U.S. consulate security workers and six others were killed in attacks in Peshawar, Pakistan. Meanwhile Afghanistan "President" Hamid Karzai has the White House "frustrated" (meaning: "utterly disgusted") as he continues to meet with our enemies (read: Iran) and promises the Taliban safe, razor-free reintegration. Last week, Karzai baffled the world by saying election fraud was due to "foreigners," despite his repeated contentions that there was no fraud during his re-election.
Busting Stoners, Not Bombers
"The threat is real, to non-aviation areas... " said Joe Lieberman (I/R/ASS-CT) while ineptly explaining why we're spending millions on airline security. Um... anyways, new pre-boarding security screening standards are raising concerns about privacy, with X-ray and other devices seeing too much and not stopping actual threats but, rather, myriad stoners and idiots trying to sneak weed and coke onto planes. The new screening protocol looks for "travel patterns or personal traits [that] create suspicions" such as red eyes, white kids with dreadlocks and anyone wearing tie-dye.
iPoop & Tiger
Not since the last Star Wars tragedy have so many nerds left their computers and stood in public to, uh, buy a computer (over a half million in two days). Voyeur vanity, featuring a virtual keyboard, browsing and more lame apps you won't ever need (and narcissism, with YouTube "iPad unboxing" viral videos) a yellow legal pad is more dynamic than Apple's latest "invention." It's basically an iPhone sans phone - a pad but bigger and easier to break. Speaking of flawed products, Tiger Woods returned to golf at Augusta, readying for The Masters (the most poorly named event for a southern venue) with the supreme swinger saying the hardest part (well, second hardest) of his philandering ways was "having to look at myself in a light I never wanted to look at myself." Elin won't be there. Ideally she'll be waiting in the Zeus suite at Caesars, ready to do things in Vegas that will remain there - just between you and me, my pale pickled herring.
Money Miracles
After their mine flooded last week, 115 Chinese miners were miraculously saved. Equally miraculous is the manipulation of China's currency, overvalued by 40 percent. This is serious stuff, and enough for a much-anticipated report that was due Saturday being delayed until upcoming G-20 economic meetings, which Treasury Secretary Tim "Too Quoted This Week" Geithner described as "the best avenue for advancing U.S. interests at this time." Considering that China currently owns 32 of America's states, any revaluation of the yuan (somehow stuck at 6.83 per dollar for nearly two years) will shock all markets, but maybe help the dollar, which is weaker than the Pope's defense for all he did prior to becoming Pope. In related news about dubious leaders, Congressman Patrick McHenry (R-NC) wants to replace General U.S. Grant with Ronald Reagan on the $50 bill. If you don't know, Grant won the Civil War while Reagan sold arms to Iran via Israelis to fund rebels in Nicaragua.
Afrikaner
Eugene Terreblanche, 69, (of South Africa, not Smith Rock) was bludgeoned and stabbed to death on his farm, forcing South African President Jacob Zuma to appeal for calm. Hey, we all cool! Don't pity Eugene too much: A notorious white supremacist, the deceased was the leader of the neo-Nazi Afrikaner Weerstandsbeweging (say that three times fast) and killed by workers (whom he refused to pay fairly, due to their involuntary ethnicity) after a dispute over wages. Two workers turned themselves in after the murder and, as of press time, neo-Nazis everywhere are wiping away tears with silky hankies stitched with Swastikas.
Speaking of Justice
After 35 years of disappointing Republicans who nominated him to the Supreme Court, Justice Paul Stevens announced he will soon retire, suggesting to a reporter that his decision on exactly when will come "in about a month" - around the time the über-liberal Justice turns 90. Stevens' retiring will grant Obama a second Supreme Court appointment, following Sonia Sotomayor last year. First a Puerto Rican, what's next? No doubt Obama will find a qualified minority, alarming conservatives who want another average white guy.
