Driven to Distraction: Cambridge cops, Shaq snubbed at White House, Justice for Jacko and more! | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

Driven to Distraction: Cambridge cops, Shaq snubbed at White House, Justice for Jacko and more!

"You boorish Paddy! Egress my domicile or shall I berate you further?" That's my take on what Henry Louis Gates Jr. said to

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a ditch outside your home, thanking streaming video, you, Stu and the High Desert Animal Hospital that Season One is done, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

The Curious Case of the Professor and Police
"You boorish Paddy! Egress my domicile or shall I berate you further?" That's my take on what Henry Louis Gates Jr. said to Cambridge cops last week. First it was Jacko "dying" and now a Harvard professor getting arrested for disorderly conduct (charges were dropped within two days).Which African-American will Obama turn to next in order to distract us from the health care boondoggle (which no longer includes the words "universal" or "single-payer")? This curious case-the arrest and health care initiative-only gets more interesting: The 911 tapes have been released, contradicting arresting officer Sgt. James Crowley's report that caller Lucia Whalen mentioned "black" men entering the house and that he spoke with her at the scene. She didn't, on both counts. Sure Gates probably berated the officers eloquently after being found in his own home with ID and, yes, Gates is an insufferable intellectual who feigns interest in common folks' problems on PBS. But he was the wrong guy to arrest.Boston is hardly a beacon of racial harmony, pity the next non-Harvard professor found snooping around Cambridge. Makes you really appreciate living in Central Oregon, don't it? Our cops are pretty cool, and the only minorities to be found are obese people visiting from Houston. One final note: To repair race relations, Obama has invited both Sgt. Crowley and Professor Gates for beer at the White House. How they will laugh and laugh!

Rollilng heavy our of HoustonPut Down That Beer-The Chinese Are Coming!
Several days of trade negotiations have begun between US and Chinese officials. In case you've been isolated with your militia for the past decade, China is responsible for 80 percent of the US trade deficit, not including oil, and our great-grandkids will still owe them at least a fin. Chinese officials are rightly concerned about the stability of the American greenback, and Obama said that one goal is to "put [China's] growth on a more sustainable level." For all who manipulate our Founding Father's notions of taxation and debt, remember that it was Alexander Hamilton who didn't want to pay our bills after the Revolution, so other nations had an investment in our future success. So, when you drive down a newly paved road, thank Chairman Mao (China bought the US Treasury bonds to pay for the asphalt); when you collect unemployment, thank the Peoples Republic (we sure as Hell can't afford so many idle workers!), kiss your wife for Mao, eat Chinese for Mao. Wait, forget that last one-What we think of Chinese food isn't really Chinese, it's far too healthy, has meat, and needs more MSG.

Covert GM?
"I love the country way of life! I'm a big fan of country music! I love agriculture, and love John Deere tractors. I love cars, especially Chevys and the other GM products. I have a Chevy Tahoe, and a Pontiac Firebird. I'm just your simple everyday average country girl! So if you're interested, let me know!"
The above was found Bend's Craigslist W4M on Monday night, not that I ever go there. Bankrupt indeed. 

 "Fire Up that Caddy, Baby!"
Smell it? Hear it? Burning rubber and spewing oil? That's right "Cash for Clunkers" is underway, the $1 billion program that somehow got passed by a Congress that can't close GITMO or give us health care. A credit of $3,500-$4,500 will be given for gas guzzlers of 18 MPG or less (doesn't that include every car made by the Big Three since 1904?) Roll that rusted Delta 88 into a dealership and drive away in a new Prius. You'll look like a total sissy, your boys will mock you, wondering how they will all fit, but hey, it's good for the Earth, right? 

The king and the gipper.Other Awesome Official News
Michael "Here, puppy!" Vick has been reinstated into the NFL after a 23-month sentence for bankrolling a dogfighting operation. The NFL, another beacon of racial equality as well as strict enforcer of gun and drug laws (oh how we kid!), released a statement saying that Vick "will be considered for full reinstatement and to play in regular-season games by Week 6 based on the progress he makes in his transition plan." Look for Vick to be the starting QB for either Dallas or Oakland by November -Or back in prison for cockfighting. Other news involving the needless infliction of pain: A new TASER has been released that allows three shots before reloading. Also, Dr. Conrad Murray feels the authorities closing in on him; Michael Jackson's personal physician's office was raided last week and is now suspected of administering the powerful drug dose that killed Jacko.

Breaking News Alert! Another Obama Distraction!!!
Tweets are emerging that Shaquille O'Neal was in Washington D.C. and decided to drop by and visit basketball-loving President Obama. "Question, I'm n dc, think if I walk up to the white house, they let me in, I kno the answer, let me kno wht u think, o yea I'm wearin shrts." texted Shaq, who was obviously wearing shorts at the time. No luck this time; giant black men, however rich, still can't do a cameo like Elvis did with Nixon, "The white house wouldn't let me in, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy." Thank you, Twitter. You have made us all illiterate and numb to actual happenings around the world.

Department of Corrections
A story about the upcoming opening of Fox's Billiard Lounge misstated the status of the Grand Opening party slated for Sat. Aug. 1, 8-11 p.m. The party is open to the general public. An unrelated item about the opening of a new restaurant in the location of the former Fireside Red included the wrong name for the new restaurant. It will be called the River Mill Grill. Sorry for the mistakes, y'all. 

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