House Republicans Vote to Repeal Death of bin Laden

In an unprecedented showing of Republican solidarity spearheaded by dynamic leadership, the House GOP has voted unanimously to repeal the recent killing of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. If the Senate fails to pass this measure by midnight on May 13th it will automatically become law. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor of Virginia explains:

"While I'm not opposed in principle to bin Laden's death, the timing of this incident could not have been worse. We have much more pressing issues to address, such as college transcript requirements for Black Presidents, privatization of Social Security and Medicare, elimination of the Departments of Energy, Education, and Environmental Quality, and what the hell to do about Donald Trump's hair. And the fiscal shortsightedness of this exercise is mind numbing! I shudder to think of what long-term effects this action might have on our growing deficit. We need to be cutting expenses, not incurring them. Little jaunts like this into exotic locales don't come cheaply, as the President's recent trip to India demonstrated. Now every Tom, Dick, and Harry backwater republic will expect us to slip silently in to kill some criminal or despot in an expensive midnight raid. We simply cannot afford to be crashing helicopters into fortified compounds all over the world, no matter the target. And the lack of transparency! Again the Obama administration is making decisions that affect us all behind closed doors without utilizing the creative minds of great thinkers like me and Representative Bachmann. The presumptuousness of the man is simply limitless! This vote, clearly mandated by the mid-term elections, reflects the American peoples' belief that this assassination was an unnecessary distraction at an inappropriate time. Where are the jobs Mr. Obama? This operation should have been delayed until more stable economic times were achieved under a Republican President with birth records accessible somewhere in this country, not hidden away on some remote island separated from the mainland by a body of water so vast that only Mr. Trump could afford to send a team to investigate. God Bless America."

Editor's note: The piece was submitted to us by local writer, Kent Wickham, a few hours after the announcement of Osama bin Laden's death. So we thought we'd pass along this fine piece locally produced satire.