If You Can Find Straighter Poop Anywhere, Buy It | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

If You Can Find Straighter Poop Anywhere, Buy It

Monday, Feb. 21

Qaddafi on the brink: Regime of dictator Muammar Qaddafi looking shaky as he and aides hunker in presidential palace; foreign oil companies bail out of Libya; deadly attacks against protesters continue ... Take that, birthers: Former Arkansas governor and sometime presidential aspirant Mike Huckabee, appearing on ABC's "Good Morning America," says claims that President Obama wasn't born in the US are "nonsense." Guess he can write off the loony vote ... Where are they now? Former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig (he of the wide men's room stance) is lobbying for a hunters' group that wants to take endangered species protection away from wolves... Former Olympic figure skater and alleged Nancy Kerrigan-whacker Tonya Harding gave birth to a healthy baby boy over the weekend, a friend of the family reveals ... And now, Monday's important news: Justin Bieber gets a haircut and Portland firefighters rescue a puppy stuck in a drainpipe.

Tuesday, Feb. 22

Qaddafi over the edge: Muammar Qaddafi gives rambling, incoherent speech on Libyan TV, vows to die as a "martyr" before giving in. "Muammar Qaddafi is history, resistance, liberty, glory, revolution," he says. Also nuttier than a Snickers bar ... Justice served: Jury in Arizona gives death penalty to Shawna Forde, anti-immigration vigilante who murdered a 9-year-old girl and her father ... Good brews news: Oregon Senate okays a bill to let home brewers exchange beers with each other and serve them at festivals and amateur competitions ... This is scary: Bend places No. 2 on Livability.com's list of "10 Best Places to Defy Death," meaning there are lots of ways to get yourself killed here ... This is really scary: Australians are warned to steer clear of starving cassowaries, 6-foot-tall flightless birds that can disembowel a man with one kick.

Wednesday, Feb. 23

Qaddafi looking iffy: Protesters in Tobruk celebrate taking over eastern half of Libya; military units reported defecting en masse ... Well, this is embarrassing: Turns out that David Becker, top lawyer for Securities and Exchange Commission, and his brothers inherited more than $1.5 million that their mother made in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme ... Instant BFFs: Posing as David Koch, the editor of alternative on-line newspaper in Buffalo, NY, has long, cozy chat with Wisconsin's union-busting Gov. Scott Walker, concluding with promise that "once you crush these bastards, I'll fly you out to Cali and really show you a good time." Walker replies that would be "outstanding" ... Sarah Palin announces she's going to India in March to take part in seminars on global leadership. India's not hard to find, Sarah, just go to China and hang a left ... Truth in advertising: According to Census Bureau numbers, Bend's population in 2010 was 76,639, which is 4,356 less than the number posted on signs at the city limits. Wonder if they'll change the signs.

Thursday, Feb. 24

What's he smokin'? In 30-minute rant, Qaddafi says rebellion is work of Al Qaeda, which drove Libyan youth into drug-crazed frenzy ... Still looking for bottom: Federal numbers show Bend real estate prices dropped 8 percent in fourth quarter of 2010 compared with same quarter of 2009. Cheer up: Reno, NV did worse ... Reproductive wrongs: Georgia legislator Bobby Franklin introduces bill creating crime of "pre-natal murder" and requiring state to investigate miscarriages ... Enough already: CBS suspends production of "Two and a Half Men" after star Charlie Sheen calls radio show to say producer Chuck Lorre is a "clown." Later Sheen releases "open letter" to Lorre, calling him a "little maggot" and threatening to beat him with his "fire-breathing fists."

Friday, Feb. 25

More blood in Libya: Militias loyal to Qaddafi fire on protesters in streets of Tripoli, reportedly killing four; rebels still hold Benghazi, Libya's second-largest city ... Madison battle rages on: Wisconsin Assembly passes bill stripping collective bargaining rights from public workers, but state Senate Democrats are still hiding out in Illinois, preventing a Senate vote ... It just won't quit: Yet another snowstorm buries the East Coast; meanwhile, Bend shivers in below-zero temps ... The show must go on: Charlie Sheen says he's coming back to work on "Two and a Half Men" anyway, insists he's clean and sober despite his recent, uh, somewhat erratic behavior.

Saturday, Feb. 26

Vive le Liberté! France to airlift humanitarian aid to Benghazi in support of anti-Qaddafi rebels; Prime Minister Francois Fillon vows to force Qaddafi out ... Solidarity show: 70,000 turn out in biggest pro-labor demonstration yet in Wisconsin; union forces organize mass demonstrations in other cities across nation ... No biggie: US Rep. David Wu (D-Portland), whose behavior reportedly has been almost as bizarre as Charlie Sheen's, admits he's had some emotional issues, says he had to be hospitalized briefly after a bad reaction to a "very common" prescription mental health drug. If this guy was a congressman from Texas or Georgia he'd be considered practically normal ... How the cookie crumbles: Hersha Howard, 31, of Naples, FL, charged with aggravated battery and assault with a deadly weapon after attacking her roommate with scissors and a board for allegedly stealing her Thin Mints Girl Scout cookies. This reporter's always preferred the Savannahs.

Sunday, Feb. 27

Koch watchers: The anonymous hacker group that calls itself "Anonymous" announces it's going after the Koch brothers, who it says "threaten the United States democratic system and, by extension, all freedom-loving individuals everywhere" ... That'll learn 'em: After students ask to form a Gay-Straight Alliance, Flour Bluff Intermediate School District in Corpus Christi, TX, decides to abolish all extracurricular activities ... Turning up the heat: US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says US prepared to offer "any kind of assistance" to Libyan rebels, but doesn't specifically mention military aid ... Don't miss it! A movie about a king who stutters wins a passel of Oscars, including best picture ... Don't fail to miss it! The coveted Razzie Award for Worst Picture of 2010 goes to "The Last Airbender," which also cops Worst Director (M. Night Shyamalan), Worst Screenplay, Worst Supporting Actor and Worst Use of Eye-Gouging 3D.

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