Ron Jeremy vs. Star Wars: The Dear Leader launches one, the Rockefeller cheeseburger, and more | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

Ron Jeremy vs. Star Wars: The Dear Leader launches one, the Rockefeller cheeseburger, and more

Editor's note: The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from somewhere between

Editor's note: The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from somewhere between Burns and Ashland, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Obama Spreads His Wings

The tour de force that is our new President visited Turkey, where locals made "Barack-clava" and a Syrian was arrested on suspicion of wanting to stab him. Then Air Force One had mechanical problems and was forced to land in a country decimated by war and corruption. Iraq, where Obama paced anxiously, biting his lower lip, as spokesmen explained that he was really there to "honor our troops." The reason for the whirlwind tour was an emergency meeting of world powers (AKA the "G-20" or "OK Corral") last Thursday in London, where sheiks, Asians and Aryans were all too eager to see a hip hop star in person. $1.1 trillion in financing for the International Monetary Fund was secured, though no one knows what the IMF does, and no agreement on any global stimulus plan was reached. Yep, another trillion and plenty of pictures, millions spent on travel, riot gear and detaining protestors... Obama called the meeting "the turning point in our pursuit of global economic recovery," adding that, "There are no guarantees." Nearby, the Rothchilds and Rockefellers met at a McDonalds and agreed over cheeseburgers that the economic downturn will last until, say, September.

Meanwhile, the Pentagon Clips Wings

Defense Secretary Robert Gates, the best holdover since Sammy Hagar agreed to keep the Van Halen brothers in Van Halen, has announced major cuts - err, a "fundamental overhaul" - in Pentagon spending this week, pissing off Congressmen who love spending our money on useless toys. The F-22 fighter jet is the focus, at $140 million per plane (which was $80 million per plane in 2004), and the $65 billion program should be phased out by 2011. Don't worry, Lockheed Martin will get paid; Gates' new budget calls for speedier production of the F-35 fighter jet, at a cost of $1 trillion for 2,443 planes. The Death Star is also in jeopardy, with calls to eliminate planned missile bases in Alaska, and armored vehicles are being cut from the Army's $160 billion "Future Combat Systems" (because in the future no soldiers will feel pain). Gates also requested more drones and the development of stuffed animals that can both comfort orphans and shoot lasers from their eyes. On a related note: A GAO report last week showed that 96 of the Pentagon's biggest weapons contracts are $296 billion over budget.

And We Trust These Warmongers

So North Korea launched a rocket, supposedly loaded with a "communications satellite," and our "intelligence" agencies say it was a total failure. Who do you believe: A pathetic dictator or our brilliant clandestine agencies? North Korea gets props this time, as the rocket made a successful launch and came back to Earth almost exactly where it was planned, off Japan, and the Dear Leader was able to watch the Final Four in HD. This is like that autistic kid who kept the stats for his basketball team last year, and was allowed to finally play in a game because they were losing by so much. Then he hits several three-pointers and wins the game (YouTube it, you'll totally choke up). North Korea's rocket was reported to us as impotent as your pal who constantly talks about "banging some bitches," but Dear Leader Kim Jong Il pulled a Ron Jeremy this time. Please, stop lying to us, spy agencies and warmongers. Soon we may stop believing anything you say, like about weapons of mass destruction and Osama being alive, and two giant towers totally collapsing after a little fire.

Disinformation, Virgin Mary Style

Bristol Palin got knocked up. Old yet awesome news, but Levi Johnston, the Alaska stud who gave her the wood, was on 'Tyra' talking about how they practiced safe sex "most of the time" and slept in the same room in the Palin household before the baby was born. Not true! "We're disappointed that Levi and his family, in a quest for fame, attention, and fortune, are engaging in flat-out lies, gross exaggeration, and even distortion of their relationship," said a spokesman for former VP wannabe Sarah Palin (and Todd). How dare Levi question the immaculate conception of a Palin?

Other Stuff to Make You Wince and Wonder

In its quest for immediate news, MSNBC ran the headline on its web site "Man who rowed across Atlantic Ocean is exhausted." A magnitude 6.3 earthquake hit the medieval town of L'Aquila, Italy, on Monday, with early reports of 228 dead and 17,000 homeless. Ash is still spewing from Mt. Redoubt in Alaska. French surgeons performed the first simultaneous hand and face transplant, and former VP Dick Cheney is reported to be recovering well, renamed Joe Biden.

Looking Locally

Redmond H.S. has closed its gym for two days after asbestos rained down on students in P.E. class. The culprit: an errant tennis ball. The district is assuring everyone that things will be A-Okay as long as no one else "disturbs" the ceiling. And never mind the boa constrictor in the men's shower he's mostly harmless...

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