Smoke, Mirrors and Obama Care: Horsetrading on health, Cuban cigars, the other Brittany and more | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

Smoke, Mirrors and Obama Care: Horsetrading on health, Cuban cigars, the other Brittany and more

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from your doorstep, caroling and reeking of eggnog, still dazed after finishing Season 2 of Or Bust, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Tummy Tucks for Everyone!

Happy holidays to the health care industry came in the form of a crucial Senate 60-40 test vote at 1am Sunday morning - A promised GOP filibuster can be easily ignored and any real change unlikely as trillions will now be spent on sex changes, Brazilian waxes, tree hugging, global warming myths and other things that Liberals love. No competing government option is included (thanks to Al Gore's also-ran VP pal Joe Lieberman (DEM/IND/GOP/ASS - CT) and women's choices are severely limited; Dems didn't need GOP votes but caved-in to their every taboo in the pending legislation. Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said the lack of debate on the bill amounts to "flipping a bird to the American people." Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid called Steele's comments offensive, then laughed and went in a back room, a plume of cigar smoke escaping, to count fresh donations to the Democratic Party from the insurance, pharmaceutical, HMO, organ harvesting, Afghan opium farming and porn industries.

The Drumbeats of War

You know it's the holidays when we're threatening the world then crying that our national security is being undermined. The lame Castro, Raul, accused the U.S. of trying to destabilize Cuba - with an American detained while working on a USAID program to "implement activities in support of the rule of law and human rights, political competition, and consensus building, and to strengthen civil society in support of just and democratic governance in Cuba." Hmmm, Raul may have a point, especially after 50 years of failing to bring our curious form of democracy to the island paradise suburb of Miami. Also, a recent study of a potential war with North Korea proves that we will win, but the damage will be "disastrous to South Korea." - Cool! Cheney is available to oversee its execution. And, finally, you may have heard about insurgents hacking our drones with a $26 Russian software package that allows them to see our video feeds in real-time. Five billion has already been spent on the drones (at $4.5 million apiece) and another $43 billion is available to buy more of these highly effective unmanned aids to our enemies.

Very Pent-up Soldiers

Sometimes you see a headline and think, "That must be fake - The Onion is at again!" This is one of those, and all too real: Maj. Gen. Anthony Cucolo III ordered that any member of our military in northern Iraq who "becomes pregnant or impregnates another service member" faces court-martial, even if they are married. Seriously, no "Oops!" in Iraq - A country we supposedly "liberated" from "tyranny" by sending American soldiers there for multiple tours, far from their families to face roadside bombings then threat of arrest for following orders, including harsh interrogation techniques. In related news, a no-bid contract for coat hangers was given to Halliburton for $5.5 billion.

Other Sexy News

Say it slow, "Infrastructure... " Feels good, doesn't it? Again, "Inframmmmmm... " Let's snuggle and share a cigarette now. The Transportation Department ordered that passengers stranded on planes must be deplaned after three hours; this is in response to tarmac horror stories of being stuck next to a morbidly obese Texan with a family of over-zealous evangelicals behind you, kicking the seat and trying to convert everyone on board. Travel and infrastructure also sucks in Europe, as the "Chunnel" connecting the continent with its inbred cousins in Britain has been shut down indefinitely; glitches last week trapped 2,000 passengers deep under the English Channel and affected 55,000 total wankers.

Eating Our Celebrities, One at a Time

The chubby, boring girl who suddenly became all hot and interesting in the movie "Clueless" was found dead on Sunday in LA; Brittany Murphy was 32, much slimmer and still a B-star at the time of her death - foul play and drugs are thought unlikely, though the media's impossibly high image expectations may have played a part. Anthony Marshall will serve one to three years in prison for bilking his dead mother of millions; no one would care except for the fact that his mom was Brooke Astor, another American "philanthropist" who lived off moneys her ancestors made by subjugating Native Americans, trapping animals into extinction to sell their fur, then founding towns in Oregon to honor themselves - Even glowing character witnesses Whoopi Goldberg and Al Roker couldn't spare the late-Astor's son shackles.

Hope for Aryans over the Holidays

The predictions of whites becoming a minority in America were moved back eight years, to 2048 - Fear not brethren, we'll still be the majority among minorities: 49% white, 26% Latino, 12% black, 6% Asian, with the rest a mix of Native American, Alabamans and CHUD.

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