Can you believe these unions? They're ruining America, y'all! First it was those greedy teachers, who literally make thousands of dollars every year and had to be smacked down by the brave governors of Wisconsin and other states with large amounts of farmland and underarm fat. Then it was cops and firemen and all the other evil people I heard about from that Hannity guy, who literally makes 40 million dollars each year, mostly because he's not in a union, I guess.
There was one good union in this god-forsaken country, but now that's been decertified. Go figure. That union, of course, is the National Football League Player's Association, which has been entangled in a dispute with team owners over the collective bargaining agreement between the two entities. Those owners want to make the NFL schedule two games longer, making for an 18-game season (full of exciting injuries and lackluster back-up quarterback play, no doubt) and the players are all like, "Hells to the no! We ain't going to smash our brains into each other for two more games. Did you know that some us only make half a million bucks a year? And Peyton Manning only makes $15 million a year, and has to do Oreo commercials to make ends meet."
And thus the players have filed an anti-trust suit against the league in a federal court. The suit is headed up by Manning, Tom Brady, Drew Brees and some other tattoo-less white guys, because... well, I'm not sure why. It probably has to do something with "real America" or something.
The main thing you need to know about the NFL Lockout is that you're supposed to care about it, at least that's what I've gathered from ESPN, which has been running daily stories telling us that we're in the 10th or 11th or 12th day of the lockout and that again, nothing happened on that particular day. Nevermind that we're in the middle of one of the most brain-explosion-causing NCAA tournaments ever marked by stunning mid-major upsets and a massive Big East nine-team embarrassment.
Some people care though, because a survey by Forbes magazine found that about 46 percent of those polled said they supported the players in this dispute. Twenty percent took the side of the owners. On the other hand, 34 percent said, "This won't affect the next season of The Real Housewives of Omaha, Nebraska, will it?" Well, they didn't actually say that, they just said they didn't care about the lockout.
And yeah, I see where they're coming from. Not everyone sees a fall without NFL football as a disaster of Sheenian proportions, but it seems that's what ESPN is conveying with their countdown to lockout Armageddon or... hold on, I just got an e-mail. It looks like we're still going to have college football no matter what come September and - here's the catch - those idiots don't even have a union! Hell, they even play for free, so they don't even need to squabble about salary caps and stuff like that. Hooray, another victory for "real America!"