“Oh, boo-hoo-hoo,” I hear you cry. “Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, I’m scared of the coming apocalypse, and therefore I’m a big tubby crybaby with a diaper full of bottom-squirts because I am such a scaredy-cat crybaby chicken bawk-bawk!” YOU DISGUST ME. I am not the least bit scared of the coming apocalypse, for two reasons: 1) I have mad survival skillz, and 2) I’m not a scaredy-cat crybaby chicken bawk-bawk-BAAAAAWWWK!But if you’re not scared? Then you obviously haven’t seen the commercial for Revolution—the new NBC show from J.J. Abrams (Lost) and Eric Kripke (Supernatural) that debuts this coming Monday (Sept 17, 10 pm). Revolution begins by depicting a modern, device-heavy world much like our own, when suddenly… KLUNK! Hey! Some stupid jerk shut off all the electricity in the entire world! And now? Nothing works.
No lights, no phones, no internet, no planes, no cars… even batteries are inexplicably on the fritz! (That’s right, ladies—no buzzy vibrators. Now do I have your attention?)
Within 15 years, the world reverts to the dark ages, where militias and warlords are the new government, and families are forced to sit by candlelight at night, reenacting old episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. (That’s what I would do anyway.) However, in Revolution, things are much busier for a young teen whose dad is murdered, and then sets off on a quest to rescue her kidnapped brother, as well as locate her uncle who (gasp!) may have something to do with the worldwide blackout! As you can see, there are pros and cons to this post-apocalyptic arrangement:
Pro: She gets to carry and shoot a crossbow, and be favorably compared to the girl in The Hunger Games.
Con: EWW! Sometimes people shoot muskets. Even George Washington was embarrassed by muskets.
Pro: She’s generally happier due to a healthier lifestyle and diet.
Con: No Totino Pizza Rolls!
Pro: Even with no TV, there’s still lots of excitement in the form of running from danger, kissing hunky boys, and sword fighting. (Who knew stabbing was so much fun?)
Cons: She’s disappointed that her life is a little too similar to other apocalyptic TV shows like Terra Nova or The Walking Dead—but without the zombies or dinosaurs!
While the pilot for Revolution seriously teeters into “mehhh” territory, there’s strong potential for some heavy duty sci-fi fun—especially when they demonstrate the nuts and bolts of survival in a post-apocalyptic world. My main gripe? Why wasn’t I asked to be an expert consultant for this show?? When it comes to sweet-ass survival skillz I am the BOMB-diggy-diggy. Want examples?
Example #1! Make your own homemade Totino Pizza Rolls by inserting toe cheese from a goat into the stomach lining of a frog. Then heat and serve. Example #2! While killing village warlords with a crossbow or sword is enjoyable… I prefer a highly trained squadron of murdering bears. Pro tip: Wear chainmail, and always carry fish. Example #3! A crude but effective vibrator can be fashioned by attaching an angry hive of bees to the end of a cucumber. HA! Electricity-schmecknicity. WHO NEEDS IT?!?
Twitter! It runs on ELECTRICITY. @WmSteveHumphrey