Recently, a young local family lost their father in a tragic mountain biking accident. I am writing this piece in honor of his family to provide resources for friends or families who are mourning.
As parents, we often try to shield our children from the deeper sorrows in life. We do everything in our power to protect them from the harsher realities of the human experience, turning off the news when tragedy strikes and telling them stories where everyone lives happily ever after.
Yet sometimes, fate intervenes, and a child is faced with a stark reality where they must face unimaginable loss. Although rare, some children lose parents, siblings or another close family member. When a child in our community is grieving, we may wonder how we can best support them through such a tragedy.
Although religious and cultural customs from around the world may differ regarding views of the afterlife, they tend to share one commonality: community. Rituals where mourners gather to celebrate the life of a loved one are as ancient as humanity itself.
In Ireland, for example, close relatives of the departed traditionally hire professional mourners to compose eulogies, which will be accompanied by keening, or loud wailing. Similarly, in Hindu traditions, an experienced mourner is employed to lead the family in crying, wailing and screaming out their grief. In Varanasi, India, friends and family members honor the departed by dressing the body in bright colors and parading it through the streets before bringing it to the banks of the sacred Ganges River to be cremated.
In the Western world, traditionally, we hold funerals and wakes where community members gather to share precious memories to celebrate the life of a loved one. These rituals help mourners feel less alone in their grief. Humans need other humans, especially when they are dealing with unimaginable loss.
After the funeral service, ideally, community support continues. Meal trains are a valuable tool for supporting the family with food and other vital necessities. Friends volunteer to cook dinner, do house chores, organize flower deliveries or assist where needed. These tangible action items help a grieving family with the practical necessities of life while also helping them feel cared for during this time.
Regarding the children, they need consistency in their routines. They need to be able to rely on what is going to happen next. Friends of the family can offer to bring the children to school or pick them up for extracurricular activities; they can take them to the park, feed them dinner or otherwise help the parents with essential childcare duties. Especially if a family is navigating the loss of a parent, it can be vital for community members to step up with this kind of support.
Beyond activities and routines, what else can we do to support the young family members? First and foremost, we can listen if they want to share their stories. Younger children might want to tell you what happened to their loved one—how they died or what they were doing when they heard the news. We never want to prod a child to answer questions about how they feel if they are not ready, but we can be there to gently hold space and listen. Sharing their story can be a healing experience, and one of the best things adults can do is to provide empathy and understanding.
Children also are likely to experience a great deal of fear and anxiety around death. They may wonder things like, who will take care of me? Will I die too? Is this my fault? Their sense of safety in the world has been shaken to the core, and they will likely need a great deal of reassurance that they are safe and not to blame for what happened. Grief can be overwhelmingly lonely, but hugs and cuddles from trusted, loving adults can help children cope in their time of need.
Another way adults can support children is by helping them keep the memory of their loved one alive. It’s important that children have tangible mementos, such as clothing or jewelry that remind them of their loved one. Adults can help children create a memory box, photo album, scrap book or other similar collection, or even interview friends and family members to create a special memory journal of stories about the departed.
Lastly, adults can read special books to young children that will help them understand and accept the realities of loss in child-friendly language. There are some beautiful options that emphasize the fact that they are not alone in their experience and that there are other children sharing the same feelings of sadness and grief.
Ultimately, when a child experiences deep loss, we can’t take away their hurt or make them feel better, but we can be there through their grief. It takes a village to raise a child and when a child loses a close family member, we can be the support that holds them through the pain and assures them they are forever loved.
In loving memory of Ben Vulpes.
This article appears in BendNest Winter 2024.
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