The Nihilist’s Guide to Drinking in 2026

The federal government’s new dietary guidelines arrived earlier this month, and Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. has flipped the food pyramid on its head.

Americans need to eat more beef! And mix more cheese, butter and whole milk into everything we eat.

Interestingly, though, and enthusiastic drinkers, take heed: The recommendations regarding alcohol are riddled with loopholes. Sure, there’s boilerplate prohibition for pregnant women, people with certain prescriptions, yadda yadda.

But what’s worth noting is that the general recommendation is (we kid you not) to merely “limit” alcohol beverages and to “drink less” for overall health. Adios to those recommended daily limits of two drinks for men and one for women.

Tellingly, this year’s guidelines no longer mention the inconvenient truth that alcohol might increase the chance of breast cancer and heart disease.

I know implied consent when I see it.

Yet, a saying translated from Swedish might serve us here: When the cat’s away, the mice will dance on the table — and very drunkenly, at that.

So, let’s raise a toast — and four more — to ravaging our livers and blurring our periphery in service of assuaging the growing dread of a new year in America.

Below, we’ve provided several political and cultural maladies and the appropriate, wet-brained cures.

Trump Never Leaves Office

All the signs are here:

“Trump 2028” ball caps on display in the Oval Office.

President Trump, half-joking, “I would love to do it,” regarding a third term. “I have my best numbers ever.”

And let’s not forget another outsize hint about Trump’s monarchic ambitions: A $400 million White House ballroom that will be finished shortly before the next president would take office.

Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election now seems quaint — and a lifetime ago — but perhaps we should look no further than to Muscovy to ваше здоровье the 45^th/47^th president who grows more czar-like by the hour.

All these stressors steer us to the White Russian, a cocktail blending vodka, coffee liqueur finished with, it goes without saying, whole milk.

President Donald Trump claims to have never drank; drunk on power, he needn’t’ve, although it would explain more than a few things.

Just make sure you drink it fast. White Russians, I hear — or Caucasians, if you’re into the whole brevity thing — curdle faster than our American Experiment.

Substitute beverage: Rum & Diet Coke.

Bend’s Gon’ Changed

You remember the Bend of Jake’s Diner, when the last mill still spat out planks, and especially before that hoity-toity Deschutes Brewery came to town, toting those schmantzy beers. Five-dollar Locals’ Night? You remember when a $5 beer was — and still is! — a rip-off.

For you, it’s tall boys of Rainier — or Olympia — all day, every day.

Substitute beverage: Anything macro and chuggable, preferably brewed by the red-white-and-blue-festooned, multinational conglomerate Anheuser-Busch InBev.

40-ounce bottles of malt liquor are surprisingly hard to come by on Bend’s west side. Credit: Peter Madsen

Over-the-Hill Blues

“Brass Monkey / That funky monkey!” So rapped the Beastie Boys on 1986’s “Ill Communication,” popularizing a drink guaranteed to inspire the same sophomoric antics that got you delivered to the drunk tank that one time in college. Two parts malt liquor and one part orange juice, you pour yourself the correct ratio by uncapping a 40-ounce bottle (St. Ides, if you’re an Elliott Smith fan; Mickey’s or Olde English 800 if you don’t know who that is) and slurping that liquid gold down to the label. Then add your carton of Tropicana and you’re back up to the nozzle, baby! The high alcohol volume goes right to your head, while the high dose of fructose gives you restless-leg syndrome, ensuring enough energy to outrun the headlights of your prefrontal cortex.

Substitute beverage: Deadstock Four Loko.

Upper-Middle-Class Ennui

Is our democratic republic crumbling around you, yet you keep winning hugely? When you drive a mountain pass, do you ride brakes through the corners and then overcome drivers on the flats? Did you recently rewatch Baz Luhrmann’s “The Great Gatsby” and, again, completely miss the point?

For you, we recommend none other than Louis Vuitton Moët Hennessey’s Veuve Clicquot; at $70 a bottle, it’s expensive and not great — just like your place in society.

Veuve is best enjoyed during brunch, putting off divorce paperwork, or while coaching your kids’ little league.

Substitute Beverage: Cocaine dissolved into saline and ingested via nasal inhaler.

This article appears in the Source January 29, 2026 and Toast! 2026.