Film Events

Here are the top five superhero dicks in ascending order of dickishness:
#5) Batman—Total… dick. First, he calls himself the “world’s greatest detective.” Umm… Encyclopedia Brown is the world’s greatest detective, dick! Batman may be the world’s greatest “brooder,” though. Look, I’m sorry his parents died and all, but a) I’m pretty sure that doesn’t give him license to become a vigilante sociopath who skulks around at night beating people up, and b) HE’S RICH. Things cannot be that bad! Turn that bat-frown upside down, Grumpy Gus!

For some weird reason, I’ve never been invited to moderate a presidential debate. The first of three debates between President Obama and “Golden Mittens” Romney is scheduled for this coming Wednesday (6 pm PST/9 pm ET, all major networks), and if I were asked to moderate, I’m purrrr-etty sure I’d have a lot to offer! The way I see it, I’d bring up important subjects that are rarely discussed in the realm of political debate. SUCH AS:

Guys! The Emmy Awards are this week (ABC, Sun Sept 23, 8 pm)! But who has the time, am I right? I am one busy super cool horny dude, which is why I don’t watch the Emmys—I just predict the Emmys and thereafter accept my predictions as FACT. For example, the winners of this year’s Emmy Awards are as follows: Mad Men, Girls, American Horror Story, Louis C.K., Tina Fey, Bryan Cranston, Giancarlo Esposito, Benedict Cumberbatch, Betty White, and the guy who makes the drippy skin sores for The Walking Dead. Done, done, and DONE.
HOWEVER! The question still remains about who will win the 2013 Emmy Awards! Luckily for you, I can make similar insanely random predictions for next year’s ceremony, that are close to 100 percent accurate.

“Oh, boo-hoo-hoo,” I hear you cry. “Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, I’m scared of the coming apocalypse, and therefore I’m a big tubby crybaby with a diaper full of bottom-squirts because I am such a scaredy-cat crybaby chicken bawk-bawk!” YOU DISGUST ME. I am not the least bit scared of the coming apocalypse, for two reasons: 1) I have mad survival skillz, and 2) I’m not a scaredy-cat crybaby chicken bawk-bawk-BAAAAAWWWK!
But if you’re not scared? Then you obviously haven’t seen the commercial for Revolution—the new NBC show from J.J. Abrams (Lost) and Eric Kripke (Supernatural) that debuts this coming Monday (Sept 17, 10 pm). Revolution begins by depicting a modern, device-heavy world much like our own, when suddenly… KLUNK! Hey! Some stupid jerk shut off all the electricity in the entire world! And now? Nothing works.

If there’s one thing these Republican and Democratic conventions have taught me, it’s this: Feigned excitement always trumps the truth! Both parties have been crowing for their candidates like a team of cheerleaders hopped up on crystal meth—with little regard for facts, or the knowledge that most of us decided who we were voting for on November 5, 2008.
However! That being said, “enthusiasm” counts for a lot—especially in the sack. While I prefer the sexual wiles and experience of older lovers, it’s fun to occasionally to hop on the bone train with someone in their early 20s (who tend to treat coitus with the same aggressive enthusiasm as an Olympic gymnast working a pommel horse).

Guys! So here’s the deal (in regards to what’s on TV this week):
THURSDAY—The last day of the Republican National Convention. SNOOOOORRRRE!
SUNDAY—Breaking Bad’s mini-season finale. YAAAYYYYY!
TUESDAY—The first day of the Democratic National Convention. SNOOOOORRRRE!
And that’s it. WAIT! One more…
TUESDAY—That TLC reality show about conjoined twins. YAAAYYYYY! SNOOOOORRRRE! Ew.
And that’s it, for real. See, next week the new fall TV season starts in earnest, which will be super exciting, and you’re gonna have to hook up seven DVRs just to record it all. But this week is as barren as Jennifer Aniston’s baby-making bits. So if you ask me, this could be the perfect time for a… SELF-INDUCED COMA!

Greetings new Christian conservative readers! I welcome you to I Love Television™—the only TV column that believes in the teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ while actively despising Hispanic illegal immigrants. [Confidential to regular readers: Not really! My bosses noticed that my approval ratings have dipped… coincidentally when this newspaper started running my column. So now I’m courting the “Christian conservatives” in a desperate, cynical attempt to boost my numbers and keep my job. Hey, it worked for Republicans, right? Shhhhh! Mums the word.]
Let’s talk about television… right after this quick word of prayer. “Oh sweet glorious Jesus! Thank you for smiting the world’s wicked-doers, which includes, but is not limited to: Hell-bound atheists, liquor enthusiasts, internet porn sites, rap music, President Obama, the previously mentioned Hispanic immigrants, and sexy gay people with six-pack abs and tight butts that look like two French bulldogs fighting in a sack. In Chik-fil-A we pray… Amen.”