Editorial

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the Appalachian Trail, lacking wifi but well-rested to witness New Orleans' and BP's big “Oops!” on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Buffalo Cougars Hunting Obama
During a visit to economically depressed Buffalo last week, President Obama was assaulted by 45 year-old local Luann Haley who called our Commander in Chief “a hottie with a smokin' little body.” Unfazed, Obama ordered a dozen wings from Duffs (Or Bust, with many Buffalo connections, praises the president for choosing Duffs over the original, yet lackluster, wing creator, Anchor Bar) then told Buffalonians that even he has no solutions for the crap weather there, or decades of Rust Belt poverty, insufferable yet ever-reelected politicians, and sports franchises that come close, but are forever bridesmaids.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a gas station, thanking BP and Fords with 460 horses, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Enter Elena
“Government is itself an art, one of the subtlest of arts,” she was quoted in a 1977 yearbook, unaware that her other note, “Brad is super cute!” will soon be used against her as well. Elena Kagan has been nominated by President Obama to succeed Justice Stevens on the Supreme Court, and the 50 year-old “acclaimed Constitutional scholar” nicknamed “Shorty” by legendary Justice Thurgood Marshall won't see much subtlety as Republicans sharpen their spears to attack the same person they confirmed as Solicitor General 61-31 last year (for more toxic environments, see below).

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a quaint place called “Canada.” Seriously, there's another country up north full of good beer and money called “Looney's” (I'm not making this up) with millions of people coexisting rather amicably, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
You Can't Go Home Again
The most poorly planned terrorism plot since that Nigerian's underwear was hatched in Times Square this weekend, with naturalized American citizen Faisal Shahzad arrested late Monday at JFK trying to flee to his home country of Pakistan. The inbred Pakistani Taliban are taking responsibility for the plot but no one knows why. With non-explosive fertilizer, ten gallons of gas, propane tanks and a few firecrackers in an old Nissan Pathfinder, Faisal forgot that Times Square is full of cameras and NYC doesn't care much for terrorists. As inept as a southern governor (see “Crist Comes Out”), Faisal makes Goldman Sachs look innocent.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a holding pen in the Arizona desert, wearing an orange jumpsuit and learning Spanish, regretting that tanning session and tequila, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Et Tu Obama?
President Obama, speaking at the Cooper Union in NYC (where Abraham Lincoln's speech 150 years ago made him president – then totally tore our country apart as well) made his case for finance reform by saying, “I'm here because I believe this is not only in the best interests of the country, but the best interests of the financial industry.” Feeling a bit like Caesar, Obama was surrounded by those who created our economic meltdown and then rewarded with billions in bailouts, including Goldman Sachs chief Beelzebub, er, Lloyd Blankfein – hot off an SEC civil suit for fraud, rumors of insider trading, new quarterly profits of $3.3 billion, and a subpoena for special “Goldman Sachs Hearings” on Capitol Hill – and other donors to Obama's presidential campaign who now feel betrayed, much like day laborers in Arizona (see below).

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a rally against Earth Day, or immigration, maybe sunburns or whatever makes white people mad, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Fabulous Fab's Fool's Gold(man)
So you bought a “synthetic” financial product from a trusted Wall Street giant, betting the billions in the bundled mortgages you now own will do well, unaware that the seller is laughing out loud and also betting billions, but that you'll lose your shirt. Akin to snatching a lemon off a used car lot, there should be laws against such behavior (fraud), but not when the situation involves Goldman Sachs, who was “surprised” by the SEC filing a civil lawsuit last Friday. Sparking a sell-off of the firm's soaring/suspect stock and erasing over $12 billion of its market value, the bank/demon is defending its behavior by saying no laws existed to prevent it from short-selling (betting a stock will fall) its “synthetic CDO” financial product named Abacus in 2007.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from an interstate rest area bathroom, making friends on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Officially Out of Ideas
As Obama continues his contemporary version of Sherman's March – passing health care reform, hosting the biggest summit on nuclear weapons since, well, ever (only our “special friend” Israel didn't RSVP), visiting more countries than any president in our history (all in one year), slashing and burning any fiscal responsibility, and soon to pick his 2nd Supreme Court Justice – the Republicans continue their retreat to the sea. So sorry is the state of the GOP that a gathering in New Orleans last week actually focused on whether they should adopt “No!” as their official party slogan. Parading a “diverse” bunch of potential presidential candidates, the Party of Lincoln (and fundraisers at S&M Bars) has no policies to point to, or any interest in developing any.