Dear Dr. Jane,
I'm a 35-year-old guy who's been trying to date in Bend — which as you likely know isn't an easy task. Lately I've been seeing a new woman who I met on one of the apps. It's gone a whole lot better than any connection I've had dating here in the past. We've had a lot of fun together so far — hiking, skiing, exploring different bars and just hanging out. I really like her and she seems to like me, too. She's not perfect physically (neither am I) but I feel like we have great chemistry. The other day, she invited me to come over to her place.
I was pretty sure that she wanted to get together that night. But, when I went over she seemed a lot more closed off to me than she had before. I knew that she'd been under a lot of stress lately so I asked her about work. She was standoffish and kinda cold. I ended up going home early. I'm not sure what happened and now I feel embarrassed and unsure how to proceed. I don't know what I did wrong. What do you suggest?
From,
Feeling foolish in Central Oregon
Dear Foolish,
I understand how you feel. You were expecting to deepen your connection with a woman you'd been seeing and instead ended up feeling rejected and confused. You thought that she was inviting you over to her house to explore physical intimacy, but nothing happened and you went home. Now you don't know what to do or say about it.
This type of thing happens fairly often during experiences with new partners or potential partners. Here are two things that I recommend so that you don't end up feeling like this in the future.
1. Talk about it before. As challenging as it can be, it's best to discuss expectations before you get into an intimate situation. Talk about your values and desires, STI testing, barrier methods, fertility concerns and boundaries. It's great to talk about things that you've enjoyed with any previous partners, things that have been difficult, your kinks and any limits that are on your mind right now.
This can be a fun, easy conversation. It doesn't have to feel clinical or invasive. It's also important to be kind to yourself. It's OK if you feel uncomfortable talking about these things. Lots of people do. And you may not actually know how you feel right away about all of it. Gather your thoughts. Tell your potential partner that you may not know all the answers right now but that you're willing to keep sharing until you know each other better. There's certainly no rush into intimacy. I don't know how much you discussed your thoughts about sex before your date, but in my experience, if you talk in advance, you'll be less likely to end up feeling disappointed.
2. Talk about it after. I know that it didn't go the way you wanted it to go this time. You might be tempted to just move on and try to find another potential partner. That makes sense because you're feeling embarrassed and disappointed. But, if you can muster up the courage, I recommend that you reach out to her again and discuss what happened. This is helpful if you've had a great time or when something isn't so good.
After a wonderful night together, I think it's great to get coffee to acknowledge and validate each other. You can give each other positive feedback and talk about what you liked best during your time together.
When things don't go so well, it's also good to talk. Get a sense of what might have happened. Your date may have felt a migraine coming on. She might have been distracted by something in her life or in the life of her extended family. Maybe there was something you could have done differently that would have made things a lot better. I know it's difficult, but talk about it if you can. It'll clear the air for the next time.
Communicate! You'll be glad you did.
You got this.
Xoxo,
Jane
—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach.
