Whatever, Mom | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

Whatever, Mom


We've all done it—in the grocery aisle, at the park, in our cars, at our kids' schools...

It's called mommieotyping—the observation, judgment and categorization of mothers. You can refute it all you want, but you can't hide those criticizing eyes in the checkout line at Walmart.

Don't worry, no one's judging you for it. Oh, wait—yes they are. But you're only human. And with at least two billion mommies roaming the planet, avoiding such stereotypes would be humanly impossible.

So here, allow me to share a few mental notes of yours while you sink back into denial...

Competitive Mom: Notorious for broadcasting every milestone her prodigy child has ever reached, this type of mother constantly appears at the top of your Facebook newsfeed. Those who know her are fully aware of her kid's first spoken word (which is usually something like antidisestablishmentarianism), as well as the story behind each trophy in the oversized child-shrine display case at her house. If your kindergartener caught his first fish, hers has already caught three sharks. She throws extravagant Disney-inspired birthday parties, drives an expensive SUV splattered with "honor student" decals, and can easily be spotted/heard on the sidelines at youth soccer games, arguing with the teenage referees and scolding her toddler for overshooting his second hat trick. Her kids are better than yours. Period.

Trendy Mom: A lifetime subscriber to Us Weekly, this mama knows every "hip" song on the radio, shops at Anthropologie, frequently uses teen-coded acronyms, and specializes in contributing to minors. Never seen in public without a face full of makeup, she will go out of her way to make friends with her kids' friends (completely unaware of how much this actually bugs the shit out of them).

Uptight Mom: Always up-to-date on the latest suspected cancer-causing products, she also refuses to leave home without restocking her travel-friendly first-aid kit and inspecting her children's bed-making skills. These kiddos (who were delivered via planned-cesarean, but not until the "baby on board" sticker was properly mounted on her minivan) are typically seen sucking a binky until the age of six, and they will likely refer to their private parts as "pee-pee" and "wee-wee" well into their twenties. "This sucks" will result in serious consequences, and school lunches—which are always prepared the night before—contain perfectly cut dinosaur-shaped sandwiches, an even number of twice-counted raisins, and an impeccably-folded napkin.

Mother Nature: Easily identifiable by her hemp clothing and decade-old dreadlocks, this eclectic mama buys strictly organic, drives a Toyota Prius, and always smells of patchouli oil. Her children (who have each mastered the wounded-peacock yoga pose), have names like Ocean, Juniper, or TigerLilly. Nudity and nature walks are part of her normal routine, as are recycling and marijuana.

Super Mom: Somewhere between her respectable, fulltime career and her active membership with the PTA, this overachiever (who never sleeps past 6 a.m.) still manages to keep all four of her children actively involved in karate, ballet, archery, and competitive swimming. She volunteers at all school functions, makes homemade pies and Pinterest-inspired crafts, and appears to be on some sort of high-dose amphetamine.

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