Posted inCulture

Dream On: Michael Bay continues to murder the classics with A Nightmare on Elm Street

Producer Michael Bay is on a murder spree. He is systematically slaughtering remakes of classic horror/slasher movies from the '70s and '80s, churning them out in slash-bang fashion. He has destroyed what was good about Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Last House on the Left, and Friday the Thirteenth and now, true to form, has lowered A Nightmare on Elm Street to new slice and dice depths of schlock and mediocrity.
Elm Street was created by Wes Craven (Hills Have Eyes, Scream) in 1984, franchised into nine slasher films and also spawned a television show, novels and comic books. In case you're from Mars, here's the plot: a group of teens suddenly share the same nightmare involving a scary guy in a tattered red-and-green-striped sweater and fedora. This serial killer/monster, Freddy Kruger, wielding a glove with knives as fingers is stalking and killing people in their dreams, resulting in their actual deaths. The wisecracking Freddy has a special motivation. His victims are the teenage children of a group of vigilante parents who hunted him down and burned him alive because he was a child molester.

Posted inCulture

Imagine Me Nude

Imagine me nude. Go ahead, I don't mind. But don't dink around! Really imagine it! Picture every contour, every vein, every floppy appendage of my stark-naked body. Got a good picture in your mind? Good. Now, in your imagination, is my nudeness wildly attractive? Do my taut, finely hewn muscles glisten and throb? Is my body so sexy, so incredibly attractive that it would make the pope snub a choirboy? WHAT DO YOU MEAN “NO”?!??!?? Are you trying to tell me I'm FAT?? That when you picture me naked, the copious amounts of blubber around my midsection either scrape the floor (when I'm stationary) or smack me in the chin (when I'm galloping toward the refrigerator)? HOW… DARE… YOU!! I'm never gonna let you picture me nude again!!

Posted inCulture

Cause a Commotion: Sometimes non-stop action is enough

My job is to mess things up. From the moment I parachuted onto the seething little South East Asian island nation of Panau, I've been causing trouble. I joined up with rebels as they seized a nuclear power plant. I jumped atop the white limousine of a politician as it sped down a snowy mountain. I grappled with a helicopter in flight and I sent a soldier's corpse cartwheeling with artillery fire. And whenever I needed another dozen grenades or a spare sawed-off shotgun, I just radioed my black market supplier and he airlifted them to my location like my own personal version of Wile E. Coyote's Acme catalog of chaos.

Posted inFood & Drink

Blooming in Spring: Amalia's brings new flavor to downtown

As the buds of spring begin to bloom, Amalia's, the latest addition to the downtown Bend restaurant roster, offers an array of organically focused Mexican cuisine for lunch and dinner. With an emphasis on family-friendly dining by day, and a lounge with DJs spinning on weekend nights, Amalia's seems to have it all together.
Chef Roberto Cardenas is a friendly face constantly abuzz around the restaurant, maintaining a strong presence with guests to ensure satisfaction. He has chosen a fine group of fresh-faced servers to head up the front-of-house operations. The Amalia's menu is comprised of innovative, contemporary Mexican cuisine with lots of flavor, color and variety.

Posted inFood & Drink

Blooming in Spring: Amalia's brings new flavor to downtown

As the buds of spring begin to bloom, Amalia's, the latest addition to the downtown Bend restaurant roster, offers an array of organically focused Mexican cuisine for lunch and dinner. With an emphasis on family-friendly dining by day, and a lounge with DJs spinning on weekend nights, Amalia's seems to have it all together.
Chef Roberto Cardenas is a friendly face constantly abuzz around the restaurant, maintaining a strong presence with guests to ensure satisfaction. He has chosen a fine group of fresh-faced servers to head up the front-of-house operations. The Amalia's menu is comprised of innovative, contemporary Mexican cuisine with lots of flavor, color and variety.

Posted inFood & Drink

Them’s the Rules

I was recently out at a bar, which is a rare occasion, as I don't often go to what I consider the “flip side.” There is a reason for that, and it's typically because I feel like I am working without getting paid. Most recently, I was enjoying an evening out with a close friend, which was a great pleasure as I hadn't been out at a bar in many months. As I perused the back bar to decide what I was in the mood for and chatted with a close bartender friend I rarely see, a young punk leaned into me and said, “You kicked me out of the bar once and I wasn't even doing nothing,” which reminded me exactly why we do kick people out of the bar.

Posted inMusic

Mormons Just Want to Have Fun: Jerry Joseph and the Jackmormons might be a bit frustrated, but they still want to rock your ass off

“Here comes an ice cream truck,” says Jerry Joseph standing somewhere near 135th Street in Harlem, not far from his home.
What can be heard over the phone doesn't sound like an ice cream truck, but more like police sirens. That's because they are police sirens, but Joseph thinks it's hilarious to let the gullible person on the other end of the line conjure up an image of some brightly colored truck traveling down the road with grinning children following in its wake.
Joseph, the guitarist, singer and leader of the Jackmormons, his longtime power rock trio, still keeps an apartment and a sizeable fan base in Portland, but Harlem is home these days. It's there that he's got a wife, a six-month-old baby (his grown children live in Portland) and a chance to gig around the neighborhood when he feels like stretching his legs.

Posted inCulture

Where's Your Sexy Face? Boudoir photography isn't just sexy, it's empowering and sexy

Sometimes my job takes me to interesting places that I wouldn't otherwise go. I've been rock climbing, sat in a futuristic Japanese circulation machine and endured a traditional Native American sweat lodge. And a few weeks ago, I found myself in full stage makeup and underwear, surrounded by a dozen women, being photographed while lying on the roof of a purple muscle car.
Now, I'm not normally someone who would do this, but when I was offered the opportunity to participate in a “boudoir photography” session, I couldn't pass it up. It's the old Playboy excuse – now I'll be able to show my grandkids that I wasn't always a wrinkled curmudgeon.

Posted inCulture

Book Review: Beatrice and Virgil By Yann Martel

Beatrice and Virgil
By Yann Martel
Spiegel & Grau
When boiled down, Beatrice and Virgil is a play within a semi-autobiographical novel within an extended metaphor. Oh, and it's basically about the Holocaust. Yann Martel's follow up to the wildly successful Life of Pi (which is half-assedly referenced in this book) is ultimately intriguing and easily digestible (it's barely 200 pages), but is also equally confusing and hardly as memorable as one might expect.

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