The Good, the Bad, the Ugly and the Nasty

In another 100,000 years or so, everybody will belong to The Beautiful People. Well, except for those who belong to The Ugly People.
As reported in the London Daily Mail (why do the British journalists get all the cool stories?) Dr. Oliver Curry, an "evolution expert" at the London School of Economics, is convinced the human species is destined to evolve into two genetically distinct species - a tall, beautiful, brainy upper class and a "dim-witted, ugly, squat, goblin-like" underclass.
But before that happens, Curry theorizes, a golden age of physical perfection will arrive about a thousand years from now. People will be about 7 feet tall, and thanks to better nutrition and advances in medical care they'll live to 120.
"Men will have symmetrical facial features with squarer jaws, look athletic and have deeper voices and bigger penises," the Daily Mail writes. "Women's skin will be lighter with large clear eyes, pert breasts, and glossy hair. Interbreeding will produce a uniform race of coffee-colored people."
So by 3000 AD all the women will look like Beyoncé Knowles? We could do a lot worse.
Alas, the golden age will not last long, Curry predicts. The natural tendency of beautiful, smart, rich people to breed with other beautiful, smart, rich people will cause human evolution to diverge along widely different paths until ultimately we become two species instead of one.
"The report suggests that the future of man will be a story of the good, the bad and the ugly," Curry said.
All of which leaves Upfront wondering which species a guy like Dick Cheney would fit into.

As if we didn’t know.First there was Mark Foley and the Congressional pages. Then there was evangelist Ted Haggard, with his massage-and-meth parties. Then there was Larry Craig, with his toe-tapping and his wide stance.

It was just a matter of time before word got out about our llama problem. No, not that problem.

The one where Central Oregon llamas go crazy and attack humans. Aaaargh!

File this one under "Only in South Carolina."

The beautiful people of Malibu have a large, smelly and stubborn mess on their hands - a 70-ton blue whale carcass that just refuses to go away.

Are you worried about the perennial problem of picking out a Christmas gift for the man or woman who has everything?

It's October and that means Stop Sign season is over in rural America. We are officially in the brief window where rifle hunters cease their age-old assault on traffic signs and train their rifles on real live animals.
But hunters won't be the only ones throwing out decoys.
The Oregon State Police said that it will be back in the field over the coming weeks with a decoy designed to trap law breaking hunters.

It's been said that you can get anything on eBay - though Upfront's experience is limited to an old pair of rollerblades and an outdated bike shock. But a quick survey on the online auction site revealed listings this week for a private jet ($525,000), a signed Andy Warhol screenprint ($22,000) and a men's fitness book written by OJ Simpson ($2).

Marcel Marceau, the world's most famous mime, died last weekend in Paris at the age of 84. Let us observe a moment of silence.

Former porn mega-star Jenna Jameson got a guided tour of the U.S. Capitol last Thursday. The Capitol police were impressed, asking for autographs and posing for pictures. But Sen. Arlen Specter seemed not especially amused.