The Smear Sheet

The author is reporting from a fantastically futuristic place known as “Twenty-Eleven.”
2011 will be so sparkly you'll be sneezing pixy dust.
Yes, this columnist has made poor predictions before, including this one from 8/30/10: “Donovan McNabb and/or Brett Favre will die by midseason.” McNabb merely lost his dignity and $70-plus million, thanks to being benched, and Favre his spine and cerebellum courtesy of my dreadful Buffalo Bills. Still, the Huskies of UConn remain the hottest chicks with balls in the country, my Syracuse Orangemen will make March even madder, and Oregon will shock the world by beating Auburn for the BCS Championship – Only because Heisman QB Cam Newton and his dad bet against themselves and really like ducks, not the fowl, but avoiding questions about cash-money recruitment schemes.

The author is reporting from a snowstorm – It's New Years, ya know?
The 111th Congress has ended “the most productive post-election period we've had in decades,” according to Beelzebub, aka President Barack Obama. Not since Johnson's “Great Society” have we seen such change.

The author is reporting from an aircraft carrier where everyone is asking and telling, margaritas and hotpants now the rage.
“Bigger government, 2,000-page bills jammed through on Christmas Eve, wasteful spending… ” Happy Kwanzaa, America! Oh, wait, such things are suddenly bad, according to Senate Minority Leader Mitch “Turtle” McConnell.
Feelin' Grinchy? Don't dare touch McConnell's 36 total earmarks, like $4 million for marijuana eradication and $650,000 for DNA research at the University of Kentucky.

The author is reporting from a bunker, surrounded by brilliant gold.
The confusion over the past week is understandable, as President Obama suddenly emerged as a Reagan-right-winger. Even this column was proved utterly wrong; none could have guessed that our president was indeed a trickle-down-your-leg traitor.
Elected as a liberal until being declared a Socialist by Republicans whose version of traveling abroad is crossing the county line, Obama made a deal this week that shook more than heads. Costing $850 billion and confounding poor folks who hate the rich people who employ them, Obama's gamble to continue unemployment claims for millions included the outsized ante of more tax breaks for America's elite. Get this: 3 percent of all beneficiaries will receive 38 percent of the breaks in the present legislation. Sounds fair to me, if only I had a job or an estate.

The author is reporting from a cell in Britain, patting Julian Assange on the back.
By the time you read this, America will have added another trillion (or several trillion if/when anyone reads the bill) dollars to our shared debt. On the eve of this incredibly stupid moment and hot on the heels of President Obama's “Deficit Commission” recommending that we don't do dumb things like spend hundreds of billions on war machines we'll never use or give tax breaks to rich people who don't really help the economy because they don't live hand-to-mouth like the rest of us poor folks, let's play the game, “Who Said That?”

The author is reporting from the Slurpee Summit, slipping magic powder into our leaders' drinks so they can actually solve something.
“This is an abuse of power,” declared disgraced former House Speaker Tom “The Felon” DeLay after a jury deliberated 19 hours to find him guilty of two counts of money laundering while rigging elections. Not the recent midterms, no, but every election Republicans have ever won, rigged with dirty money.

The author is reporting from a couch, awaiting pie.
As large fowl are slaughtered like Iraqis and our individual rights under the last Republican leadership, then devoured like Obama's credibility for daring to clean-up their mess, let's take a look at the ugly stuffing that makes this week so tasty.

The author is reporting from rehab, watching a literal squawk box, some annoying bimbo making the beautiful state of Alaska look ugly.
When we're forced to choose between molestation and strangers seeing our privates via X-ray, the terrorists have won. Hand Al Qaeda a trophy, bring back the troops, ground the drones and shutter the Pentagon. Republican fear mongering under the Bush-Cheney junta and overreaction, surrendering our rights to rent-a-cops renamed TSA security, has led to a revolt by the public, pilots and airline employees. Don't screen my sack and keep your fingers out of my carry-on!

The author is reporting from “ObamaCare” and hoping his doctor didn't drink the tea.
No more slanderous ads, robo-calls from famous people who would never give you their number. Shhh… Secret strategy sessions, appointments, impermanent power divvied in dark rooms. The post-midterm election hush has been unusually brief.

The author is reporting that 3 in 4 Americans think things are “going badly” in our country. What a shock after this upbeat election.