Stock Up Now On Fresh Straight Poop For The Holidays

Monday, Nov. 28

Mr. Excitement: Atlanta businesswoman Ginger White reveals 13-year affair with pizza king and would-be president Herman Cain, says it was “fun” and “exciting.” Who would’ve thought? … Parting shot: Rep. Barney Frank, D-MA, first openly gay member of Congress, announces retirement, takes dig at Newt Gingrich, saying his nomination would be “best thing to happen to the Democratic Party since Barry Goldwater.” … Tattletale: Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback says his office “overreacted” to Tweet by 18-year-old student saying he “sucked,” apologizes for reporting her to principal … Party animal? Pippa Middleton, sister-in-law of Prince William and possessor of one of the most-admired asses in Britain (it has its own website) reportedly inks $625,000 deal to write guide to party planning … No, life is NOT fair: Three affluent wealth managers from posh Greenwich, CT share $254 million Powerball jackpot.

Tuesday, Nov. 29

The Newt Also Rises: As Herman Cain fades, Newt Gingrich pulls ahead of the pack in Iowa straw poll with 25 percent of likely caucus participants; Ron Paul second, Mitt Romney third … Bitter medicine: Judge sentences Dr. Conrad Murray to four years in prison, the max, for causing death of Michael Jackson … Crashing to earth: Parent company of American Airlines files for bankruptcy, last of pioneer US airlines to do so … Hands off our nukes! Angry Molotov-cocktail-throwing mob storms British embassy in Tehran, protesting sanctions leveled against Iran for bad nuclear behavior … Shamefaced: Facebook agrees to settlement with FTC over charges it deceived users about privacy; Mark Zuckerberg says company “made a bunch of mistakes” … Flunking Civics 101: At town hall in New Hampshire, Rick Perry urges students who will be 21 by Nov. 12 to vote for him. Problem: voting age in US is 18 and Election Day is Nov. 6.

Wednesday, Nov. 30

Presidential Follies: Herman Cain assures supporters he won’t quit. “The American people are going to raise some Cain in 2012!” he says … New Ron Paul ad rips Gingrich for “serial hypocrisy,” says he’s too liberal. No, really, it says that … Diplomatic hardball: Britain expels all Iranian diplomats in payback for attack on its embassy in Tehran … Diplomatic softhead: Michelle Bachmann tells Iowa crowd that if she becomes president she’ll close US embassy in Iran, where US hasn’t had an embassy since 1980 … Shocking, simply shocking: NBA player Kris Humphries says his 72-day marriage to Kim Kardashian was a “fraud” … Deck the halls with belts of ammo: Gun club in Scottsdale, AZ (of course) offers families chance to be photographed with Santa while holding their favorite guns. “Our customers have been looking for a fun and safe way to express their holiday spirit and passion for firearms,” manager says.

Thursday, Dec. 1

Eating their own: Mitt Romney campaign gears up for attack-ad campaign against New Gingrich … Gingrich continues surge; Rasmussen Poll shows him 21 points ahead of Romney … Fast-fading Herman Cain says wife didn’t know about 13-year affair with Ginger White, admits quitting campaign is “an option” … Oh, the irony: Patrick Sullivan, 68, former sheriff of Arapahoe County, CO, held in jail named after him after allegedly being caught offering a man meth for sex … White just ain’t right: Coca-Cola to take new white cans off market after consumers, some complaining they made Coke “taste different,” spurn them.

Friday, Dec. 2

Phoned and dangerous: Syria reportedly bans iPhone in attempt to stop protesters from communicating with outside world … Persona non grata: Republican Jewish Coalition declines to invite Ron Paul to its presidential candidates forum, citing his “misguided and extreme views” on Israel … Meanwhile, once-upon-a-time candidate Donald Trump will moderate GOP presidential debate in Des Moines, IA Dec. 27 … Home is where the heart is: Clinton and Lynette Hamblin of Petaluma, CA, self-described Disney fanatics, pay $400,000 for full-size replica of house from animated movie “Up” … Peace, goodwill and .357 magnums: FBI says background check requests from gun dealers hit all-time single-day high of 129,166 on Black Friday.

Saturday, Dec. 3

Exit the Hermanator: Sex-scandal-plagued Herman Cain announces he’s “suspending” presidential campaign but promises to still push his “999” tax plan; rivals Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney praise him … Guess we can call this progress: Myanmar (formerly Burma) allows citizens to hold peaceful protests for first time, but they have to get government’s permission first … TSA outrage du jour: Lenore Zimmerman, 84, of Long Island, NY says she was strip-searched by airport security after refusing to go through imaging machine because she has a pacemaker … Riding in cars with burkhas: Report given to Saudi Arabian advisory council says letting women drive would encourage them to have premarital sex.

Sunday, Dec. 4

Swinging to the right: Islamist party wins heavy majority of vote in Egypt’s first parliamentary elections … Put off by Putin? In sign that his popularity may be waning, Vladimir Putin’s “United Russia” party loses ground in parliamentary elections … Small step for sanity: Kentucky church that barred interracial couple relents, votes to admit all believers “regardless of race, creed or color” … Those Krazy Kardashians: Chantal Spears, a transgendered woman, files suit against Khloe Kardashian, claiming she attacked her outside Hollywood nightclub two years ago … Might have to pawn some tiaras: Britain imposes austerity budget on royal family, slapping six-year pay freeze on Queen Elizabeth II and halting repairs to Buckingham Palace.

This article appears in Dec 8-14, 2011.